Sick
by Becca Bing
Summary: Monica's sick and her life is pretty much ruined. She's trying to get over her past, but it might just be too hard. But does she really have to? (C&M sorta...) Chapter 11 is up. Final chappie!! *throws confetti* Please r&r!
1. Chapter 1

Sick~Chapter 1-Fa Fa

Okay, I would like to start by saying I wanna hit myself on the head for starting another fic right during midterms time, but I really wanted to write this and see how it went over. I'd say this is gonna be more intense my other fics, but I haven't written any other part yet, so it's not definite. Yeah, I'm kinda thinking I should maybe make the secondary genre angst, but I don't wanna b/c it's not all gonna be "angsty"…just parts. Okay, right now, there isn't anything I can tell you b/c you'll find everything out in good time. This is just the intro chapter, so not much happens. But a lot of this will be flashbacks ('cept not this chapter). Okay, read and review!  I won't continue this, unless people actually want me to. 

**Disclaimer: **I don't own…hmm…well I don't own one of the characters in this chapter. I do, however, own the doctor, the nurse, and the girl. But u can use them if u wanna…I don't know why u would want to though… Oh and I don't own the lyrics to Fa Fa, either.

She looked around the stuffy office. She scanned the rows of medical and psychology books, and sighed. She knew she didn't belong there. She noted how poorly decorated the office was. All this man had up on his walls were his many diplomas and awards. "Show off," she decided bitterly as she continued to scan. The office had become quite familiar to her by now. She had spent months of torment in there, but still, never gave the information they wanted. She wasn't about to cave. 

       She was jolted out of her thoughts when the doctor entered his office and sat down at his big brown desk in his large, black leather chair. He faced her and smiled, but she just stared back at him, blankly. She hated how forged all the smiles were there. Nothing was real to her in that place, not even herself.  

"Ms. Geller, how…"

She cut him off angrily. "It's Mrs. Bing!"

He nodded slowly. "Right, Mrs. Bing…how are you doing this week?"

She didn't answer, and he sighed. "Please, Ms. Geller, answer my questions!"

"It's Mrs. Bing. And I don't belong here."

"Okay, well, if you discuss things with us, we can let you leave."

"You ruined my life! How am I supposed to go back in the real world? What's the point of leaving? You classified me as sick! I am not sick!"

"Please, calm down, or I'll have to call for assistance."

She then settled down. The last thing she wanted was what they referred to as "assistance." All they assisted in was grabbing her forcefully and drugging her until she was completely unconscious. 

"I'm not sick," she mumbled. 

"Okay, Miss…es Bing, I understand." 

"No, you don't understand. None of you understand. Let me leave!" 

The doctor sighed. "If you wish."

"I do."

He pressed the intercom button. "Ms. Delancy, Ms. Geller…"

She cleared her throat angrily, so the doctor corrected himself, "Mrs. Bing, is ready to be escorted back." 

After a moment, the nurse entered the room, and she stood up. She sent the doctor one last angry glance, and followed the nurse back to the building. 

*~*~*~*

       Later that day, she sat on the edge of the bed, alone in her room. She hated every minute of her life in that retched place. It always smelled of sterilizer and was filled with the ear-shattering screams of women in immense agony. She ran her fingers along the white sheets of the bed and stifled tears. She knew she didn't belong there. She wasn't sick. 

After a few minutes, she looked up at the room around her. However, all that succeeded in doing was making her more depressed. The room was bleak and cold. The walls were white, as were the bed sheets and floor tiles. There was a small closet and night table. Aside from that, the small room was empty. Nothing in it belonged to her. She hated that. They were allowed no personal items. She felt like a stranger in another person's house. In fact, she felt like a stranger in another person's life. She laid back on her bed and stared at the ceiling tiles, which were, of course, also white. There were 500 holes in each tile. She had counted many times before. It was the best entertainment she could find. 

       Sensing that she was being watched, she sat up from her bed and looked out into the hallway. There was a young girl standing there. She figured the girl could not be older than twenty. The girl was looking into her room, making her increasingly angry. People were so nosy there. She was about to yell at the girl for intruding in her personal space, when the girl interrupted her. 

"Hi," The girl stated simply and quietly.

She figured she should at least try to make conversation with the girl. That is, if the girl possessed the ability to do so. She felt bad, that girl looked so lost and lonely. 

"Hi," she repeated, studying the girl. "Are you new?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry. This place is horrible."

The girl smiled slightly. "Yeah, it is." 

Suddenly, a nurse appeared, interrupting their conversation. "Ms. Geller, it's time for your medication."

"It's Mrs. Bing!" she corrected, frustrated. 

"I'm sorry, of course, Mrs. Bing."

She rolled her eyes and rose from the bed. She turned to the girl, who was watching the scene unfold from the hallway and smiled reassuringly. She then disappeared around the hallway, and the girl turned in the other direction. 

*~*~*~*

       She sat down at a table, away from all of the sick people. She didn't want to have anything to do with anyone there. She stared at her food and mashed it on her plate. She was in no mood to eat, especially not what they served. She wrinkled her nose in disgust and thought to herself, "I used to be a chef. I shouldn't be eating frozen potatoes and chicken…water!" She pushed away the tray of food and drank from her cup of water. She had lost so much weight in the past year that she could clearly see her rib cage without sucking in her stomach. She didn't care though. There was no use in eating, except to get the doctors and nurses off her back. Whenever she saw a nurse pass by her, she took a forkful of mashed potatoes and shoved them in her mouth, trying hard not to gag. Finally, when she decided she had eaten for long enough, she threw her food away. 

She began to head back to her room, when she heard someone call from behind her, "Mrs. Bing?"

Happy that someone finally got her name correct, she turned around and saw that same girl that was in front of her room earlier. 

"Yes?" she asked when the girl caught up with her.

"Umm…do you think we could…ya know, talk?"

She studied the girl, skeptically. "Okay…"

"Well, it's just, see, I've been looking for someone to hang out with, since it's pretty lonely here. And everyone here seems too…well ya know, for normal conversation. Then I noticed you, and you seem…well not, ya know."

She smiled genuinely for the first time in over a year. "Thank you."

The girl smiled back and extended her hand. "I'm Julia…Roberts."

Monica stifled a laugh. She knew that the girl was obviously sick, but she didn't say anything. Instead she shook the outstretched and told her, "I'm Monica." 

"How'd you…end up here?"

Monica shook her head woefully. "It's a long, long story."

"I'm always willing to listen."

"I dunno…"

"Please?"

"Well…" Monica began, while thinking. "Okay. I'll tell you."

_When you look in the mirror, wish you were somebody else   
Just a perfect reflection, you and no one else   
Minutes run into hours, hours run into days   
You're still waiting for someone who never ever came   
Fa Fa-Fa Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa   
Never be the same again   
Fa Fa-Fa Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa   
Never be the same again   
You were always saying something, you swear you'd never say again   
You were always saying something, you swear you'd never say again   
Fa Fa-Fa Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa   
Never be the same again   
Fa Fa-Fa Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa   
Never be the same again _

-Excerpt of the song Fa Fa, by Guster

So? I'm only gonna continue if people want me to. Oh and I know things may not make much sense now, but they will, as I said before, once I start with the flashbacks. Thanks!;-)  


	2. Chapter 2

Sick~Chapter 2-The Burn

Hey! Time for chapter 2. I see that I've confused a few people, but that's okay. Things will be explained, just stick with it. Well, most of u were right on the ball…yes, she's in a mental institution. But ya know, that doesn't mean that she's completely lost her marbles (not saying she did, not saying she didn't…lol). There are _plenty _of other reasons people are put into mental asylums. Ok, hopefully, u'll figure out the difference between what's "the present" and what's flashbacks. (Underneath the line will be flashbacks, and then when they end, it'll go back to present. I don't know what else to do.) Remember, if u've read any of my other stories, you'll see that I never end anything on a sad note. Just bare that in mind. Anyway, after this long intro, chapter 2:

**Disclaimer: **Don't own any of these characters except the girl and the nurse/orderly/whatever she should be called. And I don't own any of the lyrics to The burn, by Matchbox 20. 

"How'd you…end up here?"

Monica shook her head woefully. "It's a long, long story."

"I'm always willing to listen."

"I dunno…"

"Please?"

"Well…" Monica began, while thinking. "Okay, I'll tell you."

"Ok great! It's not like we have anywhere more important to be."

Monica laughed. "Well, it all started, I guess, when I was in my early 20's…"

"Wow! You were sick for _that _long?"

"No! This leads up to it!"

"Oh…"

"Besides, I'm not _that _old."

Julia looked away sheepishly. 

"Don't interrupt me anymore."

"Ok, very sorry."

"Ok, anyway, as I was saying, it all started when I was in my early 20's. I think I was 22 or 23, but I'm not exactly sure anymore because I don't really focus on that part. All I remember is, two guys were moving into the apartment across from mine…"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Hey Monica!" my roommate, Phoebe, called from the living room.

"Yeah?" I asked, coming out of my room.

"New neighbors moving across the hall…and they're guys!"

"Are they cute?"

"I don't know! You try looking through a peephole and tell me how much you see!"

I groaned. Phoebe was always doing things like that; things that made life just a little bit more difficult for her. I guess she just liked it that way. 

"Why don't you just open the door and go out and greet them."

"Hmm…I never thought of that."

She opened the door and we both went out to look for the new neighbors. When I spotted one of them, he was carrying boxes up the stairs. 

"Hey, so you're just moving in here?" I asked him.

"Yeah, I am." At that point, he had reached the top of the stairs and was standing next to me. "I'm Kip." He reached his hand out, and I shook it.

"Hi, I'm Monica."

"That's a very nice name."

I blushed. "Thanks." I knew that was the oldest line in the book, but it was only recently that guys began to hit on me, since, well, I used to be overweight. Plus, Kip was very cute. 

"So, where do you live?" he questioned, trying to make conversation. 

"Actually, right across the hall from you."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Apartment #20."

"Wow, we're neighbors…almost roommates!"

"Yeah, I guess so." 

"So, speaking of roommates, you have one?"

"Yeah, I don't know where she went though. She was with me a minute ago." I looked over my shoulder, but couldn't find her. "Oh well. You'll meet her eventually. You have a roommate? Or was the other guy just helping you?"

"Nope, I have a roommate. I definitely can't afford a place like this on my own!"

"Yeah, well…I'm subletting it from my grandmother…and I shouldn't be, so please don't tell anyone! Wow, I really shouldn't have said any…"

"Don't worry about it." He smiled a reassuringly. "I won't tell a soul."

"Thanks."

"Well, I should get back to unpacking, but would you like to meet me down at the bar, at say, 7?"

"Sure, but I should warn you that my friends hang out there all the time, so we won't be alone."

"Okay, that's cool. Can I bring by my roommate, too? I'm sure that he doesn't have anything to do."

"Sure."

"Thanks. See ya later."

"Yeah, bye."

That night, I went down to the bar at seven sharp. I had to be right on time. See, I didn't want to be early, and look desperate. But I also didn't want to be late and look like a slob. First, I noticed my brother, Ross, his wife, Carol, and Phoebe playing pool. I knew they'd be there. I sat down on a barstool, and waited. Kip arrived about a minute later, but when I turned around to see him and his roommate, I gasped in surprise.

"Hey Monica!" his roommate greeted.

"H…hey. What are you…you're his…"

"Roommate, yes." 

"Oh, wow, why didn't my brother tell me this? Would've spared me from an awkward moment." 

"He didn't know. We just got this place like two days ago and I never got the chance to talk to Ross."

"Oh."

"Well," Kip interrupted jealously, "Looks like you two know each other..."

"No!" we both answered.

"Not like that," I clarified.

He chucked in relief. "Oh, okay." 

"I was roommates at NYU with her brother."

"I see."

"Well, Ross and Carol are right over there, if you want to say hello."

"Oh yeah, great!" Chandler went over to the pool table, leaving Kip and me alone.

"Wow, it's a small city, after all, huh?" he joked. 

"Really, it is. You close friends with Chandler?"

"Yeah. Well, we were friends growin' up and all."

"Oh," I replied distantly.

"You don't sound like you like him too much."

"No, no, I do."

Kip gave me an unconvinced look. "Well, we had some conflicts before, but we're mature enough to put those behind us."

"Okay, well, good. Because, if you hang out with me, you're gonna see him sometimes. And I really hope you'll hang out with me."

I smiled flirtatiously. "I guess we'll see." 

"Drinks," Kip said suddenly, "I forgot to order drinks!"

"It's okay."

"All right, what would you like?"

"Umm…a beer would be fine."

"Great. Same with me! Hey, something we have in common."

I smiled at him. It was a desperate attempt, but cute, nonetheless. At least he was trying. 

Once Kip and Chandler went back to their apartment, Ross came over to me. "Mon, can you believe Chandler lives right across the hall from you?!"

"No."

Ross moaned. "Come on Mon, why do you hate him so much?"

"I don't hate him."

"Right…"

"Ok, I do. So shoot me!"

"Come on, I don't get what the big deal is! I mean it _was _you who chopped off his toe."

"Hey! That was by accident and besides, he deserved it."

"Why? What did he do?"

"None of your business."

Ross rolled his eyes. "Jeez Mon, stop acting like such a baby."

"I'm not acting like a baby!"

"Come on, of course you are! You're holding a grudge against someone, and won't even say why."

"It's my own business."

"Come on, Mon. He's my friend and you're my sister. I just want you two to get along."

"Don't worry 'bout it so much, Ross. I can be civil."

Ross laughed.

"What? I can."

"Right, that's why you cut off his toe before."

"Shut up! You don't know the whole story!"

"Right…"

"Urgh, Ross!" I yelled and stormed away from him. Sometimes, Ross could be such a pain.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A nurse knocked on Monica's door, interrupting her story. 

"Yes?" she called, irritated, from inside.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Geller, but it's time for everyone to get ready for bed."

"What do you think we are?" Monica wondered angrily, "Three year olds?"

"Well…"

"And it's not Geller, it's Bing."

"Right, I'm so sorry Mrs. Bing."

Monica and Julia both rolled their eyes. 

"And Ms. Brown, it's time for you to go to your room, too."

"All right," Julia relented. 

"It's Ms. Roberts," Monica corrected, with a snug look on her face. She nudged Julia in the ribs, urging her to continue.

"That's right!" Julia held her head high in the air, "It's Roberts! Julia Roberts!"

"I'm sorry," the nurse said, "But you really have to leave."

"Fine, but get it right next time!"

Julia began to follow the nurse out of Monica's room, but stopped, turned around, and mouthed "Thanks."

Monica smiled. She was glad that she could help someone out, and it had felt good to tell her story to someone. Especially since she knew that Julia wasn't psychoanalyzing her. It was the first time that she had felt remotely comfortable in a long time. 

After a few minutes, Monica laid down on her bed, and waited for slumber to engulf her body. It was always like that for Monica. It took her a long time to fall asleep. She always fought to keep the thoughts that crept into her head from forming, in the darkness of night. There was something about the nighttime that made Monica think more. However, once she was asleep, she could not fight the thoughts and images that played in her head, making her slumber light and unmerciful. In this dream, Monica was in a forest. It was dark, damp, and cold, and Monica couldn't find her way out. She began to scream for help. Someone to save her from the wretched misery placed upon her. Still, no one came. Then she screamed, "Chandler!" and all the sudden, he appeared. Her heart sped up. He was so life-like; Monica thought it was him. 

"Chandler!" she cried as she ran over to hug him. However, like in all of her dreams, he disappeared, leaving her heartbroken. She fell on her knees and sobbed. He always disappeared. Why did he always disappear?

_I thought about _

_Leaving but I couldn't even get outta bed  
I'm hangin' cause I couldn't get a ride outta town  
Now anyone who really wanted me to be down  
Come 'round  
  
Thought about _

_Singin' but I couldn't remember all of the words  
Breakin' but I couldn't get the pieces apart  
Laughin' never knowing what the joke was about  
  
Now I'm down  
And I wonder how I never got the burn  
And if I'm ever gonna learn  
How lonely people make a life  
One strain at a time  
_-except from the song The Burn, by Matchbox 20__

Ok, sorry that this chapter doesn't really explain much, but that's the fun of this story! lol…Sorry if it annoys people, but you've gotta be patient. I really hope the flashback didn't confuse you…and I hope I didn't switch narration in the middle, since it's hard to write in 2 narrations. And, sorry if u still don't understand this, but I hope u can kinda just wait it out. But if u're really frustrated, ask me and I'll answer if explaining w/e u don't understand won't give away the story. Anyway, please read and review, thanks!:-)


	3. Chapter 3

**Sick~Chapter 3-Goodbye To You**

Thanks for the great reviews! :o) FYI: in this chapter, the flashback is written in third person, while last chapter's was written in first person. This is b/c it's Monica thinking, not Monica actually talking. I felt it fit better to have it third person in that situation. Ok, here's chapter 3: 

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of the characters, except for the orderlies and the doctor. No one too special though. 

The next morning, Monica reluctantly awoke to the early morning sounds of the asylum—screaming and pounding. At first, the people who were around Monica had terrified her, but eventually, they became mere nuisances. She got out of her bed and went over to the bathroom, which, of course, was also guarded by an orderly. It was humiliating. You couldn't even go to the bathroom, without being watched. She entered the bathroom, and a female orderly stood in there with her, watching her. 

"Do you mind not watching me?" Monica snapped, "How the hell am I gonna do any harm with _toilet paper_ and _water_?!"

The orderly looked Monica over for a minute, and nodded. She turned around and Monica sighed. Her plea for that amount privacy was almost always answered. 

          Once she left the bathroom, she made her way towards the dinning hall for breakfast. It's not that she wanted to eat, but she knew she had to go. And if she didn't go herself, she'd be forced. She felt like she was treated like a three year old. "Of course, three year olds don't get drugged or smacked," Monica thought bitterly, "Well, at least not the those with normal parents." When she got into the dinning hall, she was greeted by one of the inhabitants, "Tanya Touchie", as Monica often to call her in her head. 

"Hi there," Tanya said as she began to caress Monica's arm. 

Monica moved away from her reach. "Please don't touch me."

Tanya moved closer and began towards her chest. 

This surprised Monica, because Tanya usually lost interest in Monica, once she moved away from her reach. Monica wanted to move, or hit Tanya, or something, but Tanya was a huge woman. She could squash Monica like a bug. 

"Help!" Monica screeched, as Tanya moved even closer. 

Before Tanya could touch her again, two big orderlies came along and grabbed Tanya. Monica let out a sigh of relief. She often wondered if Tanya was really a lesbian or just liked to touch people. She got her answer, when she noticed Tanya touching one of the orderly's chests. He seemed to enjoy it though, unlike Monica.  She looked up, and noted that the other orderly, a tall, broad man, with blond hair, winked at her. He was always checking Monica out, and she hated it. No one would ever know her like that again. Not after Chandler. She still belonged to him, and he belonged to her. Nothing could change that. 

*~*~*~*

          That afternoon, Monica was escorted to the doctor's office. She went there every other day, and hated it even more than actually being in the place itself. She sat down across from the doctor, and he faced her. He was in his big, black, leather chair. The chair that showed how much better he was than Monica. Her chair was merely a black folding chair. His was so much more eloquent—a chair suited only for the healthy. 

"Now Ms…err…Mrs. Bing, it says here that you were put in here by your brother. Is that correct?"

"Yes."

"Are you close with your brother?"

"No. Well, we used to be close. But not anymore." 

"I see. Is that because he put you in here?"

"No."

"Well, then, why?"

"Because he abandoned me."

"How so?"

Monica didn't answer. She merely stared into space. 

"Mrs. Bing?"

There was still no answer.

The doctor sighed and called for her to be taken back. He was never able to get far with this patient. She kept everything to herself. 

          After being escorted back, Monica found herself in her room. She didn't even remember going there. Sometimes, she would go into these trances, and when she came out of them, she wouldn't remember anything that happened. It was her body's way of shutting out the pain. However, it only shut out the pain for so long, because she always came back. 

          Monica got up and looked out her tiny window. The view was terrible. All that she could see was the grass in the empty courtyard, which was in dire need of mowing. She then focused on the sky. The white, fluffy clouds stood out against the bright blue sky. While she looked at the sky, she let her mind drift back to her younger days…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

          "Hey Monica," Kip greeted, as he kissed Monica on the lips.

Monica smiled when they broke the kiss. "Hi Kip. How was your day?"

"Boring. But it just got better, now that I've seen you."

Monica blushed. They had been dating for about three months now, and Monica really liked Kip. She couldn't say that she loved him, or anything, but she liked him, and she liked being around him. 

"So, Mon," he began, "I was hoping that you would agree to go to dinner with me and an old friend of mine tonight."

"Ok, sure."

Kip smiled deviously. "Good. Chandler and I will pick you up at eight."

Before she could argue, Kip left the apartment.

"Damn-it!" she yelled.

Phoebe came out of her room, once she heard Monica scream. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing…it's just…Kip just tricked me into going to dinner with him and Chandler!"

"So?"

"So? You know how I feel 'bout Chandler!"

"Yeah, but I mean can't you at least be civil? He _is _your boyfriend's best friend."

"I know…"

"And don't you like Kip?"

"Yeah…"

"Well then, be nice to him for Kip."

"I guess you're right."

"I am right!"

Monica laughed. "Okay, thanks Pheebs."

"No problem."

          That night, Monica dressed in jeans and a sweater, since they were only going to a Chinese restaurant, so she figured she didn't have to dress up. 

Kip knocked on her door and entered the apartment five minutes after eight. "Sorry I'm a little late, babe."

"It's okay." Monica searched around a little bit, but didn't see Chandler behind Kip or in the hallway. "Where's Chandler?"

"Oh, he's just grabbing a cab."

"Oh, okay."

"Well, he probably has one now, so we should get going."

"All right." 

          Once they got settled at the restaurant, the tension was heavy. 

To break it, Kip cleared his throat and said, "So…"

Both Chandler and Monica turned to him. 

Kip continued, "I haven't had Chinese in months."

"Yeah?" Chandler asked, grateful for conversation, "I don't think I've ever eaten Chinese food at the restaurant…ever." 

He and Kip laughed, but Monica kept silent. Kip looked at Monica for a moment and she lifted her head. "Hmm? Oh ha, ha."

Chandler looked away, offended.

"Mon?" Kip wondered, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Ya know what?" Chandler stated, "I should go."

"No Chandler, wait!" 

"No, really, it's okay. You guys should just be the two of you. There's no reason for a third wheel."

With that, Chandler walked out of the Chinese place. Kip turned towards Monica. 

"What?" However, Monica knew why he was looking at her. She immediately felt guilty for making Chandler feel so bad. "I'll apologize to him."

"Thank you."

          After dinner, Monica went over to Chandler and Kip's place, and knocked on the door. After a minute, Chandler came to answer it, wearing a knicks t-shirt and sweatpants. 

He kept the door only opened a crack. "Yes?"

"Chandler, I just came to apologize for the way I acted."

"Yeah, it's okay," he answered hastily and began to shut the door. 

"Wait!" Monica said, as she stuck her foot in between the crack.

"What?"

"I'm really sorry that I've been acting so distant towards you for these last few months." 

"Okay."

He moved to close the door again, but Monica's foot was still in the way.

"Chandler…please."

"What? I forgive you. What else do you want? A parade? Cause I might be able to get you one…"

"No you don't forgive me."

"You're right. I don't. I just don't get it! Why do you hate me?"

"It's…I…I don't know."

"Well, that's a good reason," he said sarcastically.

"Can I come in and explain more? Please?"

Chandler opened the door wider and moved away from the door. Monica took that as an invitation and headed inside the apartment. 

"See, Chandler, it's just…well…when I met you, back in '87, I kinda had this…uhh…crush on you."

He smiled a little. "Yeah?"

"But then, things happened, and now I'm just really embarrassed to be around you."

"Yeah, well, don't be. I mean accidents happen."

"Right." Monica wasn't about to tell him the entire truth about Thanksgiving and how he had called her fat. And she was especially not going to tell him it was not entirely an accident that she cut off his toe. "I hope you can really forgive me…in time."

"I'll work on it. I mean you are dating my best friend and you're my other friend's sister."

Monica smiled. "Thanks Chandler."

"So, I'll see ya around?"

"Yeah," Monica agreed, "See ya."

She walked out of his apartment and into her own apartment, in a daze. 

"So, how'd it go?" Kip asked her.

"Hmm?" she asked, snapping out of her trance.

"Are you guys okay?"

Monica smiled dreamily. "Yeah, I think we are." 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

          Monica returned to the present, and noticed she was smiling at her memory. Once she remembered where she was, however, she lost her smile. She wished she could go back to the "old days". She was so much happier then. There were so many gruesome things that she hadn't known back then. She only learned them once she entered this wretched place. She sighed and turned away from the window. There was no use dwelling on the past. It's not like she could go back. This was her reality and somehow she had to face it. But could she really say leave to her past behind her? Forget about Chandler? She didn't think she could. 

Of all the things I've believed in  
I just want to get it over with  
Tears form behind my eyes  
But I do not cry  
Counting the days that pass me by  
I've been searching deep down in my soul  
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old  
It feels like I'm starting all over again  
The last three years were just pretend  
And I said:  
"Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything  
I thought I knew  
You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to."  
I still get lost in your eyes 

_And it seems that I can't live a day without you  
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away_

_To a place where I am blinded by the light._

_-Selected lyrics from the song Goodbye To You, by Michelle Branch_

Okay, chapter 3 is finished. Please read and review, thanks! I'm off to study… :-(


	4. Chapter 4

**Sick~Chapter 4-Grey Street**

Ok, this is gonna be a really long a/n: I'm sorry that it seems like it's moving slowly, but it's hard to not make it like that. I mean it's a bunch of flashbacks mixed in with "the present" which takes up a lot of time. Both the flashbacks and the things that happen in the present are leading up to telling you all that you wanna know, I swear! It's just…the elements of suspense and surprise are really what I'm going for here. I don't want to tell you too soon, or then there'll be no story. So, I'm trying to kinda hint to what happened to Chandler, w/o actually telling you. And also, same deal with how Mon ended up there. You'll find out about Chandler before you'll find out about her though. Ok, that's all I'm gonna say about it. I hope that you'll stick with my story, even though it's slow and all. I'm trying to pick up the pace and make the chapters longer and stuff, too. Ok, I know this author's note is getting really long, but I have one more thing. I wanna apologize to SFGrl and Ez, who left me reviews on my stand alone, TOW The Relationship Begins (which is why I can't put this on that story) but I mistakenly posted it twice. I'm sorry, but I'm just _that _stupid! See, I was rushing cuz I wasn't allowed to be on the computer and I didn't notice I posted it twice and if I got caught I would've been in even more trouble than I was already in. I'm really sorry! I did read your reviews though, and they're very much appreciated! (well I'm hoping that u guyz see this, but u may not, but this is the best I could do…) Anyway, finally, please read and review, thanks!

**Disclaimer:** Checking…nope don't own the characters or the lyrics to Grey Street by Dave Matthews Band. 

A few days later, Monica was sitting in the recreation room, not paying the slightest attention to the television that was on in front of her. What was the point of watching the world of normal people, when she couldn't be part of it? She just sat on the sofa there, watching the people in the room. They were her life, not the actors and news stories. 

She watched one woman, a large woman with untamed red hair. The woman resembled her wild, flaming red hair, by her brutality. She held a magazine in her large hands and began to unmercifully rip the pages. Then Monica realized that the magazine belonged to someone. It was a smaller, elderly woman. The woman was crying because the magazine, her one link to society, was being destroyed in front of her own eyes. The redheaded woman looked at the other with angry, mocking eyes. But nobody seemed to care about this elderly woman and her magazine. The woman was now hysterical, screaming on the top of her lungs. Monica noticed that, now that the old woman was screaming, the orderlies were coming. Not only were they finally coming over, but also they were trying to suppress the elderly woman's cries, and not the rage of the redheaded woman. 

Monica realized something while she was watching this scene unfold. She was the elderly woman! The magazine that was being destroyed was Monica's life. Her family held part of her life in their hands. And with these brutal, uncaring hands, they were ripping up her life. The other part of her life, that she had unknowingly handed over to Chandler, was gone from her, too. Maybe it wasn't his fault, and maybe he didn't mean to, but he too was destroying her life—page by page. Angered that no one would help the elderly woman, Monica went up to the red-haired woman, while she was looking in the other direction, and ripped the magazine from the big woman's hands. She then handed the magazine over to the elderly woman, who smiled at Monica, gratefully. However, the red-haired woman was not as appreciative. With a maneuver worthy of a sly boxer, the woman punched Monica hard in the face. After that, Monica was thrown into deep, untamed darkness.  

*~*~*~*~*

A couple of hours later, Monica awoke with a pounding headache and groaned. Slowly, she opened her eyes, and found herself within a bright room. She squinted, for the light was too much for her eyes to take. Monica then realized that she was in her room and groaned again. Suddenly, she heard someone cough, and turned to see Julia sitting in a chair next to Monica's bed. Julia faced Monica when she realized that Monica had awoken. 

"Hey Mon! How do you feel?"

Monica mumbled in response.

"That bad, huh? Pretty nasty bruise you've got there on your forehead."

"Yeah?" Monica questioned in a shaky voice. She lifted her hand, and gingerly fingered her swelling forehead. 

Julia handed Monica a packet of ice. "Here's some ice. I've been putting it on your forehead on and off while you were unconscious."

"Thanks." Monica paused and looked around. "How come you're allowed in here?"

"Well, since they know you spend time with me, they figured they'd stick me in here with you. I think the big, strong orderlies are afraid of you now."

Monica laughed. 

"Naw, you're like a hero now."

"Yeah?"

"Ms. White, the woman who's magazine you saved, hasn't stopped talking about you all day."

"How long was I out for?"

"A couple of hours."

"Well, at least that gave me _something _to do with my day."

"Yeah, but I've been sitting here for hours, awake, so I think it's your turn to entertain me."

"Now? I just woke up!"

Julia looked at Monica with pleading eyes.

"Fine," Monica relented. She couldn't let Julia down. She was beginning to look to Julia as both her confidant and family. Plus, Julia had been sitting with her while she was unconscious, so she owed her something.

"Ok, good!"

"So, yeah, eventually, Chandler and I became friends. Very good friends, in fact. Kip and I dated for a while, but that wasn't meant to be."

"Why not?"

"Well, Kip had been coming home late every night for the past few weeks before we broke up. I was angry before, but this last night was different. He had never shown up for our date. He didn't call, or anything. He just didn't come…"

************************************************

          "Kip!" I demanded, "Where the hell have you been?!"

"Out," he answered nonchalantly. He always answered like that, when I asked where he had been.

"Have you forgotten what tonight is…no wait, what tonight _was_?!"

Kip looked at me blankly. 

"Our date! For our six month anniversary!  

"That was tonight?"

"Yes, that was tonight, Kip! What has gotten into you?!"

"Nothing, nothing at all."

"Well, then why do you keep forgetting about me?"

"I've been busy. I'm _so _sorry Mon. I swear it won't happen again."

"Okay…" I relented. I didn't believe him one bit, yet I let him stay. To this day, I don't fully understand why I did. I prided myself in being so strong and independent. Yet, I didn't want to lose Kip. I didn't want to be single again.

          Unfortunately, the next day came, and I had to dump him. 

"Monica!" Ross ran into my apartment, panting, "I have to talk to you! It's urgent."

"What's up?" 

"Well…umm…see…the thing is…"

"Spit it out already!" My brother had a tendency to take too long to speak. It annoyed the hell out of me. 

"Well, I was walking in Central Park and…and…I saw Kip…and a..n…other woman. I'm sorry Monica."

"Wh…what?"

"Is there anything I can do?"

"No…no, just leave me alone for a little."

"Are you gonna be okay?"

"Yeah. I'll be fine. I kind of already…well…I knew something was up. I just didn't want to confront him."

Ross hugged me and whispered condolences in my ear. He was a great brother. Shame he's not anymore. 

          Anyway, after he left my apartment, I buried my head in a sofa cushion and began to cry. I mean maybe I knew it was coming, but it still hurt. I was lied to and I was deceived. It hurt a lot to know that. While I was crying, Chandler entered my apartment and sat down next to me on the sofa. He began to caress my back softly as I sobbed. Finally, when I began to cease crying, I looked up at him. He was staring at me with his warm, blue eyes that were filled with concern, and for a minute I felt safe. 

"I'm sorry Mon," he said, breaking the silence that had formed around us. "Kip's a jerk."

"I thought he's your best friend."

Chandler shook his head. "He _was _my best friend. But now…that he did such a terrible thing to you…sweet, and loving Monica…I can't look at him the same way."

"You don't have to hate him just because of what he did to me."

"But I do. I hate him for ruining what he had between himself and one of the most wonderful people in the world."

I smiled and blushed. "Thanks."

He put his arm around me and kissed my temple. "No problem."

"Does Kip know that I know yet?"

Chandler bit his lower lip. "Yeah."

"Oh. So, how are you going to live with him if you're mad at him?"

Chandler looked away, uneasily. "I'm not."

"You're not? How come?"

"Well, I was going to ask him to move, to make you feel more comfortable…but…"

"What?"

"He kinda beat me to it."

"He's moving out?"

"Yeah."

"Where's he moving?"

Chandler looked down at his hands, which were twisted in his lap.

"It's with _her _isn't it?"

"They're…getting…married."

Those three words made me feel like a physical blow had been inflicted upon me. However, I tried to cover up my pain and merely answered, "Oh."

"I'm sorry that he did that to you."

"No. I mean if he's marrying her, than he must love her." I paused. "He didn't love me. I didn't love him. It wasn't meant to be."

Chandler nodded. "You're so strong, Mon. You do know that, don't you?"

"I'm not as strong as you think," I replied shamefully.

"No, I think you're much stronger than I think."

Instead of arguing, I just laid my head upon his shoulder and started to cry again. He hugged me tightly and rocked back and forth. 

He kissed my head and whispered, "Remember, everything works out for the best."

"It sure doesn't seem that way."

"Yeah, but Mon, maybe it seems unfair now that it happened, but as you said before, 'it wasn't meant to be.' So now that you're not with Kip, you can start searching for Mr. Right."

"You're right, I guess."

"I am right. And remember, Mr. Right may be closer than you think…" Chandler pointed to himself, grinned, and raised his eyebrows. 

I laughed and hugged him back. His jokes always made me feel better. Who knew that this joke would become a reality…?"

**********************************************

          "Chandler was your Mr. Right?" Julia wondered.

"Yeah, and he still is."

"What happened to him?"

Monica looked away sadly. "That's a story for another time."

Julia nodded, not wanted to push the topic any further. Instead, she leaned in and gave Monica a hug. "If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you."

Monica smiled and hugged Julia back. "Same goes for you, sweetie." 

When they pulled away from the hug, Julia stood up and adjusted Monica's pillow. "Ok, I'm gonna go to dinner before they _find_ me and _drag_ me there."

Monica laughed. "Okay, thanks for being here for me."

"No problem, hero."

Monica smiled. "I don't think so…"

"Just go with it!" Julia advised and then walked out of the room. 

Monica chuckled and leaned back on her pillow. She was glad that she had someone like Julia to help her and to talk to. Julia was the first person she felt close to since her former friends and especially Chandler.

"Chandler," she whispered longingly. 

Monica then got out of her bed, although she was advised to stay in bed for the rest of the day. She pushed away her night table from its spot in front of the ugly white wall, and picked up a loose tile. From underneath the tile, she took out two pieces of foam, from the foam trays that they used in the cafeteria. She took off the top piece of foam from the bottom and carefully took out a picture. The photo was very worn out, and even its edges were yellowing. However, Monica closed her eyes and hugged the picture over her heart. After a few minutes, she brought the picture in front of her face and stared at it. It was a picture of Chandler; taken the year they began dating. It was her favorite picture of him. Chandler could never pose for pictures without looking awkward. However, Monica had shot this picture of him when he wasn't looking. He was just laughing at a joke that he had been telling their friends. Monica studied Chandler's bright smile and warm, blue eyes. When she took a closer look at it, she could see the creases from his smile and the laugh lines that were beginning to form on his forehead. 

"I hope that your laugh lines are becoming deeper," Monica sighed, "Wherever you are, Chandler." 

Monica glanced out the window, at the snow that began to fall upon the desolate, gray pavement surrounding the courtyard. 

"Is it snowing where you are, Chandler?" she whispered to his absent self. "It was snowing…that day Chandler. Do you remember? I do. The day that was our…last…" Monica couldn't help herself. She began to sob uncontrollably. She yearned to feel Chandler's comforting embrace around her, to tell her that everything would be okay. That everything happens for a reason. 

"What's the reason for this?" Monica wondered bitterly. "And I know you're still alive, Chandler. You're out there somewhere; I know it. Everyone tells me that your dead, but I know that your not. I can feel you. And I'm not crazy." 

_Oh look at how she listens  
She says nothing of what she thinks  
She just goes stumbling through her memories  
Staring out on to Grey Street  
  
She thinks, 'Hey,  
How did I come to this?  
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,  
But I can't get out of this place'  
  
There's an emptiness inside her  
And she'd do anything to fill it in  
But all the colors mix together - to grey  
And it breaks her heart_  
_-Selected lyrics to Grey Street, Dave Matthew Band_

I hope this chapter helped, but I mean I can't tell since I know what happened to them…lol. Anyway, please review, that would really help me out a lot thanks! ;o)  
  
__


	5. Chapter 5

Sick~Chapter 5~I still Believe 

Ok, for the flashbacks, I'm skipping ahead because, well I'm not gonna recap the show. We're finally moving here, people! :o)    

**Disclaimer: **Still don't own these characters…

"Chandler!" Monica screamed while running towards him. There he was again, in front of her. So real, so life-like. It was him; it had to be him. She reached him and threw her arms around his neck, but then he disappeared. Monica searched around frantically in confusion. What happened to him? When she turned around she saw him being pulled away by two large men wearing all black. They were tugging him by his arms, and he was kicking, trying to fight them.

"Chandler!" Monica screamed again. She tried to chase after the men who had Chandler, but they were too far ahead of her. Finally, the men were out of her view, and she sat down dejectedly. She began to study her surroundings and couldn't figure out where she was. She felt so lost and empty inside. She laid down on the ground in a fetal position and rocked slowly back and forth. She wanted to leave; she was frightened beyond belief. Suddenly, she opened her eyes and found herself back in her room, still curled up in the same position. She had been dreaming again. The dreams were becoming more frequent and began to feel more like reality. Monica knew exactly whom she had to speak with. 

*~*~*~*

          "Phoebe Buffay please," Monica requested into the phone she was holding. 

"I'm sorry," a kindly feminine voice answered on the other end, "She's out for the next few days. Who shall I say is calling?"

"Tell her it's Monica and it's urgent."

"Monica…?"

"She'll know who it is." With that, Monica hung up the phone and sighed. She hoped that Phoebe would call her back soon. She just had to talk to her. 

*~*~*~*

          Later, Monica approached Julia, who was sitting on a couch in the recreation room. 

"Hey."  

"Hi," Julia replied, while Monica sat down next to her. "Did you get through to your friend?"

"No, but I left her a message."

"Where is she anyway?"

"Somewhere in Africa now. She's working with endangered species."

"That's nice."

"Yeah."

"Do you miss her?" 

"Sometimes I do. I mean she's the only one out of my old friends who I still consider to be a friend."

"From what you've told me, you guys seemed to have be so close before."

"We were. We really were." 

"What happened?"

"Things change. People change. It's part of life." 

Julia studied Monica for a moment. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

"It was fun while it lasted though. It really was." 

Julia nodded and decided to change the topic. "So, you've told me how you and Chandler got together, but how did you know you loved him?"

Monica smiled slightly. "I figured you'd ask that sooner or later."

"Well?"

"Well…it's something that nobody knows about except for the two of us. It was before we started seriously dating. We had been together for a month, and Chandler decided that he wanted to celebrate…"

           He entered my apartment and began to look around. "Is Rachel here?"

"Nope. Just the two of us…"

"Good." He smiled and kissed me. When he broke the kiss he walked towards the door and picked up my jacket. 

"What are you doing? Are you actually trying to get me into _more_ clothing?"

He smiled mockingly and handed the jacket to me. "Just put it on and follow me."

"I dunno if I want to…" 

"Fine," he threw his hands up in resignation, "Don't do it. But you'll be sorry." 

I laughed and put on my jacket. 

"There we go." He then proceeded to blindfold me. 

"Chandler, what the hell are you doing?!"

"Come on, Mon. You'll love it."

"I'm going to end up at a basketball game, aren't I?"

"No, no, no. Just come on!"

"Fine, but if I fall…"

"You won't. Trust me."

He led me up the stairs and out onto the roof. "Chandler, why are we on the roof?" I wondered. I was still blindfolded and getting sick of his little game. 

"For this," he answered, and removed my blindfold. 

I gasped. It was nothing like what I was expecting, that's for sure. He had a blanket in the middle of the roof, with a picnic basket sitting on top of it. Surrounding the blanket, were dozens of roses, and the side of the roof was lined with candles. 

"Chandler…" I whispered.

 "Shh…" He turned on a small radio that he had taken up there with us, allowing soft music to play. "Let's just dance." 

"I can't believe that you did all of this for me."

Chandler just shrugged and held his arms opened for me. I came closer and he embraced me as we began to dance. I had my head buried in his shoulder and his chin was resting lightly on top of my head. When we were like that, it felt so perfect. That's when I knew…

          "Wow," Julia breathed, "That's so sweet."

"Yeah," Monica agreed softly, trying to fight off tears.

"Mon…"

Monica covered her eyes. She didn't want to cry. She had cried so many times over the memories and the fact that she would not be able to make new ones with Chandler. Monica felt Julia's arms wrap around her as she sobbed quietly. 

"I didn't mean to make you upset."

Monica lifted her head and sniffed. "No, it's okay. I have to talk about it sometime."

Julia and Monica were quiet for a while. Suddenly, Julia broke the silence. "I've never been in love…"

Monica nodded, encouraging her to continue.

"Is it really better to have loved once and then lost it, then never have loved at all?"

Monica pondered Julia's question for a long time. She honestly didn't know. Sometimes she was glad to have had Chandler in her life, at least for some time. She was grateful to have felt his arms around her and been showered by his affection. At the same time, she felt so empty because she had lost the love she once knew. After a few more minutes, Monica decided, "It is really better to have once loved and then lost."

"Really? Why?"

"Because even though I lost Chandler…that doesn't change the way I feel about him. I still love him with all of my heart." 

Julia merely nodded in response, in awe of Monica's words. 

*~*~*~*

          A few days later, Monica was sitting at the edge of her bed, when there was a knock at the door. The door was opened and she recognized the man immediately. It was the same orderly who always had his eye on Monica. At that moment, he was staring at her like usual, making her feel unsettled.

"Yes?" she asked.

"Miss, there's a phone call for you." 

"Thank you." 

She got up and walked out of her room, very aware of the fact that the man was following her and his eyes were glued to her retreating figure. Her feelings of uneasiness stayed with her until she entered the room where the phones where kept and he sat down beside her. She knew that everyone had to be guarded, wherever they were, but the orderly made her feel uneasier than she normally did. She wondered if he would ever make a move on her. She hoped not. She didn't have the strength to fight him off. Monica picked up the phone, but kept an eye on the orderly, who was still staring at her.

"Hello?" she said into the phone.

"Monica!" the voice on the other side answered, "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, Pheebs. Don't worry."

"You said it was important."

She glanced at the orderly, not wishing to discuss what she wanted to with Phoebe, in front of him. However, she didn't have another choice. "It's about these dreams I've been having."

"Dreams?"

"Yeah. I've had a lot of them recently."

"Well, what happened in them?"

"I'm with Chandler…" Monica noticed the orderly tense, but continued, "And every time, he's so real. I mean I can feel his presence, Pheebs!"

"And…"

"And then, when I go over to him…usually he…disappears."

"Usually?"

"Well, in this last dream I had, he was dragged away by these two men dressed in black." Phoebe didn't answer, so Monica continued, "I mean I know you must think I'm even more sick now, but I felt him, I really did!"

"I believe you. And I don't think you're crazy."

"Really?" Monica asked incredulously.

"Yeah. I believe that your dreams were glimpses of reality."

"He's still alive?"

"Yes."

"How do you know?"

"Well, you and Chandler have this connection. You can feel each other. I mean it's hard to explain. You two are connected through your love. I believe that since you can still feel him that means he's still alive. He wants you to know that he's alive, and if he thinks hard enough, I believe that you can hear him in your sleep, when your thoughts are purest." 

"I know he's still alive."

"I agree."

"We'll be together someday again, Pheebs. I know it."

"Me too."

Monica smiled slightly, but her heart was beating wildly inside of her chest. Normally, she wouldn't believe a word that Phoebe says, but Phoebe was telling her exactly what she wanted to her. Phoebe was the only one who understood that Chandler was still alive. 

_I still believe  
Someday you and me  
Will find ourselves  
In love again _

_I had a dream  
Someday you and me  
Will find ourselves  
In love again _

_Each day of my life, I'm filled with all the joy I could find  
You know that I am not the desperate type  
If there's one spark of hope left in my grasp I'll hold it with both hands  
It's worth the risk of burning to have a second chance _

No, no, no, no, no, no, I need you, baby  
I still believe that we can be together,  
If we believe that true love never has to end  
Then we must know that we will love again

-Excerpt from I still Believe, by Mariah Carey 

Please read and review, thanks! 


	6. Chapter 6

Sick~Chapter 6-Precious Illusions 

Hey! I hope this begins to sort of answer your questions. I swear I know exactly where I'm gonna go w/ this story, for once! It's very exciting. Yeah, and you'll find out about Monica very, very soon. Promise! Anyway, umm…u should know that the flashback takes place in the real season 7 and everything stands from the show until then. Ok, please read and review, thanks!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of these characters except for the orderlies, "Julia", and Dr. Stein. I also don't own the lyrics to Precious Illusions by Alanis Morissette. 

A few mornings later, Monica entered the office that she had been in so many other times. However, this time, the office looked different. There were still bookshelves, but not as many books on them. Also, the normally cluttered desk was near to bare and the walls had pictures of children on them, in addition to degrees and certificates. When she studied the certificates further, she realized that they weren't the same either. They were in the name of a 'Lauren R. Stein'. 

"Great," Monica sighed, "A new doctor."

A minute later, the door opened and the new doctor entered. She had long, brown hair that was pushed back into a bun and glasses down to her nose. "Hello Mrs. Bing," she greeted amiably, "My name's Dr. Stein." 

Monica studied her for a moment. "How did you know to call me Mrs. Bing?"

"Oh, well I read the notes that your last doctor left about you. If you prefer to be called Mrs. Bing, then I'll call you that. I don't really care. As long as I call you by something and you answer." 

Monica smiled slightly. Although she resented everyone who worked there, this woman seemed to be different. However, Monica wasn't going to let her guard down so soon. Appearances can be deceiving. Monica knew that better than anyone else. 

"So, Mrs. Bing, why don't you take a seat on the couch over there."

Monica looked at her oddly. The couch was far away from her desk. They would have to practically yell to hear each other. Still, Monica went and sat down on the couch. After a moment, Dr. Stein joined her. Monica tried to hide her surprise at this. Her old doctor always sat at his huge, wooden desk in his tall, black, leather chair. 

"So, Mrs. Bing, how long have you been here for?"

"Don't you have that in your notes?"

"Yes, I do. But I would like to see how well you can keep track of time."

"I've been for almost a year and a half now," she answered monotonously, "It'll be a year and a half in one month and nine days." 

Dr. Stein pushed her glasses up her nose a bit and with a hint of surprise said, "That's exactly correct."

"Yeah well, there isn't much else to do here but keep track of things like that."

"I understand. Umm…I was thinking that I should start out by telling you a bit about myself. Since, you'll hopefully be sharing a lot about yourself to me."

"Okay."

"Well, I'm 42 years old. My husband's name is Donald and I have two children—Andrew and Samantha. Andrew is 13 years old and Samantha is 12. They fight like crazy."

Monica smiled inwardly, remembering when she and Ross were that age.

Dr. Stein then looked down at her notes, "Who brought you here?"

Monica scowled, recalling her most recent memories of Ross. "My brother."

"And were you close with your brother?"

"I was."

"But you're not now?"

"No."

"Why is that?"

"Because he brought me here. He gave up on me and sent me here."

"Perhaps, he thought it was the best thing for you at the time."

"That's bullshit. He just wanted to spend time with his new wife and not have to worry about me."

"How do you know that's true?"

"Because…it's obvious."

"How so?"

"You'd just…you'd have to be there to understand."

"I see. Could you perhaps…take me there? Describe what you had to go through for me?"

Monica shook her head. 

"Why not?"

"I don't trust you."

There, she had said it. Those four words summed up what she felt towards almost everyone and everything. Nothing in her life could be the same ever again.

"I wish you would trust me."

"Yeah, well we all have wishes…they aren't always granted." 

"Okay, well, how about we move on? Did you have any friends?"

"Yes."

"May I ask their names?"

"Phoebe, Joey, and Rachel."

"And do you still speak to them?"

"I speak to Phoebe over the phone, since she's in Africa for a few years. I haven't spoken to Joey, since…well…before I was put in here. And Rachel…same goes for as goes for my brother."

"Excuse me?"

"He's her wife."

"I see. But why did Joey stop talking to you?"

"He hates what I did to myself and he can't look at me without thinking of Chandler."

"Chandler?"

Monica stopped talking, and distanced herself from the situation. She just stared ahead, almost as if her soul was detached from her body. 

"Mrs. Bing?" Dr. Stein called, "Mrs. Bing?" She signed and called in a nurse to take her back. Something about Monica's case fascinated Dr. Stein. It was a case unlike any of the others she had dealt like. Monica didn't seem like the rest. Dr. Stein intended on proving that.  

*~*~*~*~*~*

          Monica fell asleep that night, the same way she always fell asleep. After a few hours of tossing and turning, she drifted into a fitful sleep. Tonight her dream was different than normal. She dreamt of the past. She dreamt of the horrid day that she found out. The day that ended her life as she had known it. 

          The morning of that day, Monica and Chandler laid in bed next to each other, trying to muster up enough strength to get out of their bed. Monica picked up her hand and examined it. 

"Can you believe we're getting married in three months?!" She asked excitedly. 

"Well, since it's me who's getting married, then no. I can't believe it."

She smacked his arm lightly. "Come on," Monica whined, "Be serious."

"Ok, seriously. I'm shocked that I was able to find someone as wonderful and beautiful as you, who would actually say yes to a Chandler Bing proposal." 

"Who wouldn't say yes?"

"Well, there was Alexandra…"

"Excuse me?!"

Chandler smiled playfully. "Yeah, she was my first love."

"What?!"

"Look at you all jealous. Monica, green is not a good color on you."

She hit him harder this time. 

"Oww!"

"That's what you get for being so horrible!"

"Alexandra was my first grade crush. We were on the playground and I asked her to marry me. I had gotten her one of those plastic rings and everything."

"Well, what happened?"

Chandler looked away embarrassed. "She laughed and said 'Chandler Bing wants me to marry him? That's yucky!'"

"Aww…my poor baby," Monica consoled jokingly. 

He pretended to hold back tears. "It's still hurts me, ya know?"

"Aww here," she hugged him, "Is that better?"

He laid his head on her breasts and smiled. "Much better!" 

"Chandler!" 

He picked up his head and smiled sheepishly. "Have I told you lately that I love you?"

"Have I told you lately that you're a pain in the ass?"

"Everyday of my life."

Monica laughed and caught a glimpse of the alarm clock. "Oh my God, Chandler! We're gonna be late!"

"So?"

"So? _Some_ of us have to get to work." 

"Who?"

"Ha, ha. Come on, get dressed."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." 

Ten minutes later, Monica was rushing to get ready, while Chandler and Joey were talking and eating their breakfasts casually.

"Monica slow down," Joey told her, "You're gonna go into overload. Ya know, like one of those machines? Start smoking and stuff until you catch on fire." He nodded dreamily, "That'd be cool."

She stopped long enough to glare at Joey, who looked away, fearfully.

Monica grabbed her purse and jacket and ran out the door. She came back after a second and ran over to Chandler at the kitchen table. "Bye sweetie," She kissed him on the lips, "See you tonight."

"Of course. Love you."

"Love you, too." 

Monica then left her apartment in a hustle. If she had known that would have been the last she would see of him, she wouldn't have rushed off to work so quickly. 

          That night, Monica arrived home to an empty apartment. 

"Chandler?" she called, while looking in the other rooms. He was normally in the apartment when she arrived home late from work. She decided to head across the hall to Joey and Rachel's apartment. She entered to find Joey and Rachel watching a movie. 

"Have you guys seen Chandler anywhere?"

"No," Rachel answered.

"Yeah, he wasn't at the coffee house earlier, either."

"That's odd. Maybe he had to stay late at the office." She headed back across the hall and called his office number and cell phone. Both times there was no answer. She then glanced through the window, across the ally, into Ross' apartment, but didn't see Chandler. Then, she went down to Central Perk, but still, no Chandler. She was getting worried now. It wasn't like Chandler to just go somewhere without telling her. She sat up all night waiting for Chandler to come home, but he never did.

          That morning, she had drifted off into a light sleep, when the door opened. "Chandler?!" she called out. When she turned around, she saw that it was Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe.

"He didn't come home last night?" Rachel asked worriedly. 

"No."

"That's not like Chandler," Phoebe stated. 

"Where could he be?!" Monica asked her friends. They stared back at her, just as clueless as she was. 

The door opened again and the four of them looked over hopefully. However, it was just Ross.

"Hey guys, what's up?"

"Chandler didn't come home last night," Rachel informed him.

"What? And he's not home now?"

"No."

"Did you call him at work, on his cell, look in…"

"Yes! I looked everywhere!" 

Suddenly there was a knock on the door, and Monica jumped to answer it. "Chandler?!" she called through it, expectantly. She opened it, revealing a tall man in a black suit.

"Is this the home of a Mr. Chandler Muriel Bing?" the man asked.

"Yes."

"I'm Detective White. To whom am I speaking to?"

"Chandler's…fiancée. Is he okay?!"

"I'm sorry, miss. We umm…found his…empty wallet today and a…bloodstained shirt that we think belongs to him. But we've found no body and have no leads or suspects at the moment…"

Monica stared at him in shock for a moment. Ross ran up and grabbed his sister's shoulders, when he noticed her begin to turn pale. She turned around and threw up all over the floor.

***************************************************************

"Chandler!" Monica cried into the thick darkness of the night. She sat up and allowed her eyes to adjust to the darkness. She realized that she had just been dreaming, yet again. It seemed as if she missed Chandler more and more everyday. She wished that she could see him again—that he would return to her. However, her hope was wearing thin. He had been gone for over two years now. No suspects, no leads. Just his wallet and shirt. "I hope you're okay, Chandler," she whispered, "Wherever you are." 

*~*~*~*~*~*

The next day, Monica and Julia were sitting in the recreation room, looking at an issue of TIME Magazine that was about ten years old. They were pretty bored doing so, but it was the only form of entertainment available. After a few minutes, an orderly entered the room and brought in all the mail. One postcard was thrown onto Monica's lap. At the front was a picture of Jamaica.

"Oo, Jamaica," Julia said bitterly, "Wouldn't you like to be there now?"

"Anywhere beats a place where they have to cut off the damn edges of a postcard! I mean what do they think we're gonna do? Give ourselves the paper cut of death?" 

"I dunno. So, who's it from?"

Monica turned it over and sighed. "It's from my brother and his wife."

"Your friend Rachel?"

"No. My ex-friend Rachel."

"Right. What does it say?"

"Dear Monica," she read in a mocking tone, "We're having so much fun here in Jamaica. The beach is beautiful and the people are _so _nice. We miss you. I was just thinking about that time we committed insurance fraud—well almost. Then, we fixed everything before anyone found out. You remember, right? Well, anyway, Ross and I just wanted to say hi. We hope to see you soon. Love, Ross and Rachel." When she finished reading it, Monica threw it in the trashcan and went back to reading the magazine.

*~*~*~*~*

          That afternoon, Monica grabbed a pencil and paper in the recreation room and began to write. 

_Dear Ross and Rachel, _

_          I'm so glad that you wrote to me. It's nice that you remembered me throughout your busy, bustling lives. I'm so happy that you enjoyed Jamaica. You know, I was going to go to Jamaica, too. But then, something came up. Look how that worked out. Anyway, yes, Rachel, I remember what you're talking about with the insurance fraud. I may be "sick" but I didn't get amnesia. _

_-Monica_

She stuffed the paper into an envelope, addressed it, and threw it into the outbox. They had some nerve trying to act like nothing ever happened. The two of them had gotten together again right after Chandler's disappearance. Her tragedy and her loss had brought them together. And then—they ditched her. "Some friends," she mumbled as she walked towards the cafeteria.   
  
_You'll rescue me right?  
in the exact same way they never did.  
I'll be happy right?  
when your healing powers kick in  
  
You'll complete me right?  
then my life can finally begin  
I'll be worthy right?  
only when you realize the gem I am?  
_  
_But this won't work now the way it once did  
and I won't keep it up even though I would love to  
once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am  
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim  
  
These precious illusions in my head did not let me down  
when I was defenseless  
and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends  
  
This ring will help me yet as will you knight in shining armor  
this pill will help me yet as will these boys gone through like water  
  
But this won't work as well as the way it once did  
cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss  
and though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am  
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim_

-Excerpt from the song Precious Illusions, by Alanis Morissette 

Oh and don't pay too much attention to these songs I add at the end, cause it's getting increasingly hard to find songs to go at the end of these chapters, and like they don't really make sense anymore, but oh well. I'm doing the best I can. Ok, please leave me a review, thanks! :o) 


	7. Chapter 7

Sick~Chapter 7 

Snow day! A-whoo-hoo! And I give up on finding songs, cuz it's too hard, so yeah… Okay, please read and review, thanks!

**Disclaimer: **If I had a million dollars, if I had a million dollars I would buy you…well not the Friends characters cuz they're worth a hell of a lot more than that. Translation: I don't own 'em.

          "Oh my God, Monica," Julia sighed, "I can't stand being here anymore!" 

"I know."

"I should be out there, making movies and all that."

"I know, sweetie."

"It's not fair. I feel so…"

"Helpless?"

"Yeah."

"I know. So do I." 

"That's it, I'm leaving," Julia stated forcefully.

"What? Julia...no."

However, Julia didn't listen to Monica's warning. She began walking down the corridor towards the doors. 

"Miss, where are you going?" One of the orderlies questioned her.

"Out." With that, she kicked the man in the crotch, sending the huge man down onto the ground. 

After that, three more orderlies grabbed Julia, and dragged her away from the doors. 

          Monica watched the site in front of her in silent horror. Now she heard the shrieks of her friend as she fought to be freed from the strong grip of the orderlies. 

"I don't belong here! I'm famous!" She screamed, still trying to escape. 

They had put her in a straight jacket only moments before, and were moving her to a higher security building. 

"Please don't take her, too," Monica whispered. 

However, nobody heard her plea and she watched as Julia was dragged away. Her last friend; the final shred of normality life was gone. However, Monica couldn't cry. She was all cried out due to her other losses. This was just icing on the cake that was her life. 

*~*~*~*~*

          "Now Mrs. Bing," Dr. Stein began at their fifth therapy session, "The thing that you have to try to do is to get over the past…"

"I've tried that! I know that I have to do that, I just…I can't."

"That's where I come in."

"But what if I don't want to get over my past?"

"Excuse me?"

"If I get over the past, I'm losing the only thing I have left of it—memories."

"No, no. I don't mean it like that. What I mean is that you have to learn to forgive and to accept your fate." 

"Why?"

"So you can lead a relatively normal life again."

Monica nodded. "So how do I do this?"

"Well, the first step is to talk about it. Tell me what happened after you found out you lost Chandler. Tell me how you ended up here. Every little detail—no matter how big or small—is important."

"I don't know if I can…"

"You can."

Monica took in a shaky breath and looked into the doctor's reassuring eyes. "Okay."

************************************************

          After the officer gave me the bad news, I was aware of my friends around me. They were all wearing the same pale, tear-stained faces. Still, it didn't feel real.

"No," I whispered after not speaking for a good, two hours. 

My brother turned to me and bit his lip. "Sweetie…"

"He's not dead." 

"Mon," my good friend Rachel turned to me, "It seems to be the only explanation." 

"No, no! He'll walk through that door! And he'll tell us that someone robbed him! That's all."

"Miss," the police officer turned to me, "The chances of that are very slim."

"But they are possible?" My friend Phoebe chimed in.

"Well…I highly doubt it, but we're not ruling it out." 

"He's not dead." 

"Mon, why don't you go get some sleep?" 

"No. Not until Chandler comes back."

"We're doing all we can to investigate this, however, it may take a while. Days, months, or even years, perhaps. There are even some murder cases that are…"

"He's not dead! It's not a murder case."

"Well, considering our evidence, we have to treat it as if it were one."

"He's not dead." 

"Mon…"

"He's not dead!" I screeched and ran into my room. 

Weeks went by, and Chandler still didn't come home. His family and my friends decided that he was truly dead. They made him a memorial service. I didn't want to go, but Phoebe convinced me. 

"Mon, just go. I think it'll be good for you."

"How?! How can it possibly be good for me to go?"

"Closure," she said simply. 

I contemplated this for a while. "You're right." 

"And Mon?"

"Yeah?"

"I still don't believe he's dead."

I smiled at Phoebe. She was the only one who felt the same way as me. "Thanks." 

          However, once I came to the memorial service, I found myself wishing that I hadn't gone. I felt no closure. I mean his body wasn't even there. He was still walking around somewhere, probably hurting and in fear. Yet, there I was, enduring sympathetic hugs and looks of pity. I didn't want their pity. And the worst thing of all was that my mother tried to comfort me. In all of the years of my life, I never felt that my mother cared about. However, once she showed me that she did, _I_ didn't care about her. All I wanted was to be in the arms of the man I loved. Then, the worst part, were the eulogies. His mother and my brother Ross spoke. Both spoke in the past tense and it was torture to hear it. I still believed he was alive! 

**************************************** 

"Do you still believe he's alive now?"

Monica looked away shamefully. "Yeah. It's crazy, I know, but I mean…look where I am."

"I don't think it's crazy. I don't think that you're crazy. I think that you're depressed. There's a difference."

"Yeah, well apparently, I am crazy because of the…well…"

"Yeah."

"I don't really want to talk about that now," Monica looked away shamefully.

"I understand." Dr. Stein paused. "Could you tell me what happened to the rest of your friends?"

"Umm…yeah. After the memorial service, my friends tried to go back to living normal lives. However, I refused to do anything with them. Also, whenever they were together without and me, and especially without Chandler, they began to see that nothing could be the same again. Finally, one of our friends, Joey, couldn't take it anymore. He moved away to Los Angeles, hoping to start a new life in Hollywood. That was the last straw for our group of friends. Not long after that, Phoebe moved to Africa for a few years, leaving just my brother and Rachel. Rachel and Ross leaned on each other for support, and ended up starting a relationship, again. This time, however, their relationship was successful. But, there was still the problem of myself. They didn't know how to handle me."

"A lot of times that happens. It's very painful to see someone you love suffer and often people don't know what to do."

Monica just shrugged in response. 

 Dr. Stein noticed Monica's discomfort and glanced at her watch. "Okay, our session is almost over now, but I think we've made a lot of progress, Mrs. Bing. I'm proud of you. There's just one more thing."

"Yeah?"

"I heard that your friend…was taken away. How are you handling that?"

Monica thought about it for a few moments before answering. "I don't know. I mean it's just…I was upset, but now I feel sort of apathetic. I mean I've lost everyone else in my life, so why not her, too?" 

Dr. Stein looked Monica straight in the eyes and saw her sadness. For the first time as a psychiatrist, she did not know what to tell her patient. 

Ok, please read and review, thanks! :o) 


	8. Chapter 8

Sick~Chapter 8   

Ok, first of all, Jenni—hehe I decided to postpone the chapter I told u 'bout till next one cuz I felt it was coming on too soon. So watch out for it next, cuz it will be next. Anyways, now that ff.net seems to up again, please read and review. Here we go…

**Disclaimer: **I still don't own any of these characters, but if u don't know that already…

"Save me!" the voice screamed wretchedly, shattering the peaceful nighttime ambience. "I need to get out!" 

"Please ma'am. Please calm down." 

"I need to leave!" 

"Please, just calm down. Everything will be all right."

"No! No! Leave! Get away from me! Don't touch me! Leave!" 

Monica sighed and covered her ears with her pillow. Just minutes before she had been pulled out of her light sleep by the shrieks of a woman a few doors down from her own room. She knew that she should be used to it by now. The horrid sounds and actions of those around her should have just blended in with her everyday life, but they couldn't. This was not how her life was supposed to be. Monica had been a strong, successful, happy woman. Never in a million years would anyone have pictured her life turning into this. Monica was independent. Yet the moment she arrived, her independence had been taken from her, leaving her only with memories and an aching, hollow heart. What she wouldn't give for the days of the past, when she reveled in the comfort of her friends and the love of that one special man. Then, with his disappearance, her world came to a crashing halt. 

          That morning, she sat in the dinning hall and stared at her food, yet saw nothing. A broad woman approached Monica and sat down next to her. Monica sighed loudly, not wishing to be near anyone. The woman kept staring at Monica, making her feel uneasy. People were always staring with unmerciful eyes there. Finally, after twenty minutes, the woman found her voice. 

"Can I have your food?" 

Monica raised her eyebrows in amusement. All the woman had wanted was her food. Why couldn't she have asked for it before, instead of staring at her for all that time? "Sure." Monica handed her the tray and watched the woman as she inhaled the food in front of her. "So…do you like living here?" Monica wasn't sure why, but she was curious to begin a conversation with this woman. 

The woman shrugged. "Yeah, where else would I go?" 

"Well didn't you have a job or a family or friends before you came here?" 

The woman shrugged again. "I had a turtle once." 

Monica nodded and looked away. She really missed Julia. She was the only one with whom Monica could actually hold a normal conversation with. 

          Monica watched the woman finish the remains of her meal and began to ponder the woman's earlier comment. Did she really have nothing that she left to go there? Monica began to wonder if any of these other women even knew how to lead a normal life. Had they ever loved or felt loved back? Did they know how to feel that way about someone? When Monica looked around the room, she watched the other faces around her. For once she really paid attention to those other people. Monica noticed one woman sitting alone, guarding her food with a possessive look in her eye. Whenever another person would come over, the woman would begin to yell at them until they left. It reminded Monica of a special that she had once seen on the Animal Planet channel that Ross had insisted they all watch. It had explained that animals were incredibly possessive over their food, and instinctively would fight in order to save their food. Were these people animals? As Monica glanced around the room, she felt herself drift even farther from the rest. She was no animal and she certainly wasn't sick, no matter what others thought. There was no way she was one of them. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

          Monica went to Dr. Stein's office for her appointment, but stood outside, listening as the doctor spoke on the phone.         

"I don't know if that's such a good idea," Dr. Stein said into the phone she was holding, "I just don't think that she's ready ye—" The doctor listened for a few moments. "take a lot of convincing. I'm just afraid that it'll hurt h—" She listened for a few moments again. "I'll have to talk to her." She paused to listen and then continued, "Her appointment's right now, so I'll go and talk to her." She paused again. "I'll call you afterwards, goodbye." Dr. Stein then looked up and saw Monica standing there and motioned for her to come in, completely unaware that Monica had overheard the doctor's side of the conversation. Monica sat down and Dr. Stein joined her. It took every ounce of self-control that Monica contained not to ask the doctor what her earlier conversation had been about. 

          After a few routine questions about her living conditions, Dr. Stein decided to broach a sensitive topic. "What would you say to…perhaps…spending some time with, uh, your brother and sister-in-law?" 

Monica looked up at the doctor with fiery eyes. "I would say never again!" 

"Why is that?"

"I told you before—they abandoned me!" 

"Yes, you told me that, but you never told me how they abandoned you."

"Well they did. What more do you need to know?" Monica asked crossly. 

"I'd like to know what made you feel so abandoned." 

"Well, my fiancé and the love of my life disappears, and then they go and throw me in here! Wouldn't you feel abandoned too?"

"That's not the entire truth," the doctor studied Monica's guilty face, "There's much more to it, isn't there?" 

Monica feigned indifference. "Not really."

However, Dr. Stein looked at Monica, unconvinced. "I would really like to know what happened, and I think it will be beneficial for you to look back on those events."

Monica hesitated. "I—I don't know if I can."

"I know. Just try a little at a time, okay?" 

Monica nodded numbly and began to reminisce upon the events of her past. 

***************************

          "Monica!" I heard Rachel call out to me, "Mon? Where are you?" After receiving no answer, she knocked softly on my bedroom door. I was aware of her entering my room, but I made no attempt to get up and face her. I was lying face down in my pillow clutching one of Chandler's shirts, the tears falling freely. Rachel sat down on my bed and I felt her hand rub my back in an attempt to sooth me, like she had done so many times before. 

"Please look at me," Rachel begged quietly. 

I lifted my head and she pulled me in for a hug. When she broke the hug, she studied me for a moment. "Mon, you can't keep living like this!" 

I sighed loudly and turned away from her. Lately she and Ross had been trying to convince me to go out on dates and return to a normal life. But, I didn't want to. 

"Mon, it's been a year!" 

"I can't go back to a normal life." 

"I'm not asking you to forget him, sweetie. I'm just saying that you should try to start doing the things you used to love to do. Come on, you haven't cooked since then, you haven't cleaned, you haven't gone out on a da—" 

"I told you I don't want to!" I shrieked. 

"Mon—" 

"I'm waiting for him. He's going to come back!" 

I watched Rachel try her hardest to stifle tears. "Mon, I—I don't think he's coming back."

"Well I do." 

"Mon—" 

"Just leave me alone, okay?" I asked wearily. 

She watched me for another moment, and then slowly exited my bedroom. 

          Some time after Rachel's visit, I had fallen asleep. A few hours later, I awoke, hearing a muffled conversation between Ross and Rachel. 

"I just wish there was a way to get her back to how she used to be," Rachel told Ross.

"I know, me too. I've never seen Monica in such a state. She's not the same person anymore." 

"I really wish there was something we could do," Rachel repeated woefully. 

I heard a pause and then Ross began to speak again. "You—you look really beautiful tonight."

"Thanks," Rachel answered shyly. 

"Do you ever wonder what would have happened if we had stayed together?" Ross asked nervously.

"Yeah, sometimes. A lot more now that Chandler's dead." 

"Same here. His passing made me realize that life can end at any time and you could have never gotten the chance to be with the love of your life. Or in our chance, to be with her again." 

"I—I'm the love of your life?" Rachel wondered, shocked. 

Ross hesitated. "Y—Yeah, I think that you are." 

"I think that you are mine, too." 

          A few weeks later, Ross and Rachel entered my apartment, shocked to find me sitting on the couch in the living room. 

"Hey Mon," my brother greeted.

I just mumbled in response. 

"We have some news," Rachel revealed ecstatically. 

"Yeah?" I asked, faking interest. 

I'm pretty sure that Rachel sensed my lack of interest, but she continued anyway. "Joey got a role in another movie…" 

They both studied my face for a reaction.

"That's nice."

"In fact, I spoke to him yesterday," Ross continued, "He's really excited."

"Good for him."

"Do you have anything you want us to tell him for you next time he calls?" 

"What would you say to a friend who leaves you right after your fiancé disappears."

"Mon, Chandler was Joey's best friend!" 

"Whatever."

"Mon—"

"Whatever." 

Ross sighed and changed the topic. "So the two of us have some news," he informed me, pointing to he and Rachel. 

"Yeah?"

"We're…together."

"That's nice," I said callously. 

"I'm glad that you're so happy for us," Rachel responded sarcastically. 

"It's just kind of hard to be happy for you when I have nothing, but I'm sorry, here…" I jumped up and plastered a fake smile on my face, "Rach, I'm so happy that you and my brother are back together again! I hope you two get married and have lots of beautiful children and rub the fact that my life is ruined in my face!" 

"Mon…" Ross tried. 

However, I left them angrily and returned to my room, slamming the door. 

********************************

          "So, you're mad that the two of them got together after you lost Chandler?" 

"Well, no, I'm not mad about that—really. I mean I could've overlooked that, but there was the—other stuff…" 

"Are you jealous that they found each other and got married while you never were able to marry the man you loved?" 

Monica pondered that for a moment, and looked away shamefully. "Sometimes." 

"It's not their fault."

"Well, _that _may not be their fault. But the fact that I'm _here_ is their fault!" 

"They were only trying to help you."

Monica chuckled. "That's why they're on that year-long cruise, enjoying themselves, while I'm stuck in this miserable place, alone?"

"It's a lot for them to deal with, too."

"Ohh…because _they _lost the love of _their _life?" Monica asked sarcastically.

"No, but they lost a close friend. It was hard on them, too."

"Yeah, well it looks like they got over it pretty quickly." 

"Did you ever think that they only got over it for your sake?" 

"What do you mean?"

"They got over his death in order to be strong for you?" 

"Yeah, they sounded like they really cared a lot about him when they got together." 

"Perhaps they just needed each other to lean on during their time of grief. They then found each other. You, on the other hand, let no one in. Consequently, you're here, talking to me." 

"That's not true!" Monica shrieked, "Don't come in here and pretend to know everything about me because you don't!" 

"I'm not saying that I do. I'm just throwing out all the suggestions for you. You decide what you want to believe."

"I believe that you're on their side!"

"I'm not on anyone's si—"

"Don't give me that! No one's on my side! The entire world has turned against me!" 

"You really think the world turned against you?" Dr. Stein asked, in a softer tone. 

"Well it sure as hell hasn't helped me," Monica retorted. 

"We all are thrown obstacles in our lives. Some are harder than others, but we all have to get over them." 

"Yeah, well you wouldn't be signing the same tune if you lost your husband or a child."

"Perhaps not. That's why it's good that we've gone through different things in our lives."

"Why? Because you can't relate to me? Oh, that seems very helpful!"

"No! Because I can help you get through this part of your life because I am not filled with my own biased and selfish thoughts."

"Excuse me?"

"Well, think about it. If I were to have gone through the same thing as you, the entire time I would be comparing your situation to mine. And I'd be thinking, 'Well, hers isn't as bad as mine, so why should I care?'" 

"I guess you're right," Monica relented. 

"I have one more suggestion for you."

"What's that?" 

"Meet with Ross and Rachel."

Monica opened her mouth to protest, but Dr. Stein cut her off. 

"It may give you answers to some unanswered questions floating in your head. And I _know_ that you have many of those." 

"I—I don't think I can."

"I'm not asking for you to this tomorrow or even next month. I'm just asking you to consider this, okay?" 

Monica contemplated her request for a few moments. "Okay."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

          That night, while Monica tried to fall asleep, she continued to ponder her doctor's suggestion. Although she didn't want to see Ross and Rachel again, she really did have a lot of questions to ask them. However, she wasn't sure if she even wanted to know the answers. Although she felt like they didn't care about her, they had never outwardly told her that. Monica didn't want to her that they truly no longer cared about her. 

          Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard the news blasting on the television that had been left on in the recreation room, a few rooms down the corridor. 

"…With the arrest of a string of criminals, a missing New York City man has finally been found after being proclaimed dead…"

Monica covered her ears with her pillow and tired hard not to listen to the news. She could care less that someone was recovered after years of disappearing because it wasn't her Chandler. After many sleepless hours of thoughts running through Monica's head, she finally fell asleep with the familiar image of Chandler floating in her mind. 

Next chapter'll be up soon. Ok, please leave me a review, thanks! 


	9. Chapter 9

Sick~Chapter 9

_Hi again! I must warn you about this chapter. It is rated R due to "mature thematic elements" (haha thanks Jenni). I know that this entire series is rated R, but this chapter is the main reason. I may be a bit too cautious, but it's better to be safe than sorry. And remember—you've been warned. I wasn't planning on posting so soon, but I am. This is for you Jenni—get better soon, babes! *covers mouth and gives Jenni a hug* (don't wanna get sick, too). Please read and review, thanks!_

**Disclaimer: **After all this time, you'd think I'd at least own like Monica's shoe, but I don't own any of the characters mentioned. Oh well, except Dr. Stein and the orderly, but I don't care 'bout them.

"I can't stop having dreams about him," Monica admitted to Dr. Stein a few sessions later. "Why can't I stop having dreams about him?"

"Well…what happens in these dreams?"

"I…well…there are different ones all the time. At first, it would just be him standing there, but when I'd go over to him, he would disappear. Now, I see him…being dragged off and tortured."

"Well, dreams can mean a lot of different things. They are your subconscious' way of showing you your fears. It seems to me that you fear Chandler is still alive, but he's being tortured, yet you cannot do anything."

"Yeah, I guess I do…"

"And the ones before that…those were probably conveying your feelings of loss."

"That makes sense…it's just…every time I go to sleep, it's so hard." 

"I know. I think that, by putting the past behind you, you'll be able to sleep more peacefully." 

"Really?"

"Hopefully. But nothing's ever certain."

"Right."

"Have you considered meeting with Rachel and Ross again?" 

"Yes."

"And…?"

"I need a little time."

"That's fine. I was hoping that you would wait a little bit more, too."

"Really? Why?"

"Well, I think that it would be best for you that if, before you meet them, you tell me everything leading up to being in here, now."

"That's going to be…hard."

"I know. But I think it's necessary."  

Monica nodded numbly.

"Can you tell me about…that day?"

Monica bit her lip and looked away. "I don't know if I can."

"I'm not going to force you, but I think it'll help you."

"I don't know," Monica replied in a shaky voice.

"Please."

Monica sighed and relented. "After another half a year or so, Rachel had convinced me to go out on a blind date. I hadn't really wanted to go, but she would not back down on her proposal. Finally, after running out of the energy and excuses needed to fight her off, I gave in..." 

***********************************

           "Mon, I'm _so _happy that you've decided to go on this date!" Rachel told me as she searched through my closet, "Jonathon is so nice, and sweet, and funny!"

"That's great," I answered faintly from my spot on my bed. 

Rachel noticed my distant demeanor. "Please Mon, just give him a chance." 

I sighed heavily. "I'll try."

"Good, thank you Mon!"

"Uh-huh."

Rachel closed my closet door and huffed, "You have nothing to wear. I'm gonna go find you something of mine to wear."

Once she left the room, I began to think about what this date would mean. Was I getting over Chandler? I didn't want to get over him. I couldn't understand why everyone wanted me to move on because I didn't think that I ever could. Still, I went out on this date because I was beginning to feel like this nuisance. I mean I just sulked around the house all day. Ross and Rachel seemed to do almost everything for me. I didn't shop anymore, I didn't cook, I didn't clean. It was as if my entire life was consumed by him. But that's the way I wanted it to be. 

          My date and I double dated with Ross and Rachel. We had dinner at this small Italian restaurant that Chandler and I used to go to all the time. That, of course, just served to remind me of what I had lost.    

"So, Monica," Jonathon began at the meal.

"Yes?" 

"What do you do for a living?" 

I watched as Rachel tried to discreetly warn Jonathon not to bring up that topic by mouthing to him. 

"Well, I'm a chef, but at the moment, I'm in between jobs." I glanced across the table and noticed the looks of relief that spread over Ross and Rachel's faces. I guess they figured I'd be upset since I didn't work anymore. 

"Oh, that's nice." He paused. "So, where did you grow up?"

"Long Island."

"So did I," Ross chimed in. 

The rest of the group laughed at my brother's lousy attempt at a joke, but all I could think of was how Chandler would have retorted to Ross' quip. He was always the one who had the comebacks. 

An eerie hush overtook our group after that conversation. After a few vain attempts from the three of them to get a conversation going, we all fell into a tedious and uncomfortable silence. I had no idea what to say to this man, who was _supposed_ to be my date. I felt that I shouldn't be out on a date! I should be out with Chandler, having a romantic candlelight dinner or even just sitting in our living room, eating pizza and drinking soda. It didn't matter to me; I just wanted to be with him. Everything at the place reminded me of him. The man at the next table was wearing a tie that looked remarkably similar to Chandler's, Ross ordered the same ravioli dish that Chandler had ordered there once, and the waiter ran his hand through his hair, almost like Chandler used to do while he was stressed. Finally, it became too much for me to handle, and I ran out of the restaurant. Rachel followed me out and grabbed my arm.

"Mon, what's wrong?"

"I can't do this. It's too hard!"

"Oh, but you were doing so well."

"No! No I wasn't! I can't stop thinking about him! Everything I see reminds me of him!" 

"Mon—"

"Please, just let me go home," I begged. 

Rachel looked into my eyes for a moment, sighed and then agreed. 

          Once I got home, and Rachel and Ross had left my apartment, I turned out all the lights and sat at the kitchen table. That date had really opened my eyes to what my life had become. I couldn't live without him! I mean even though he wasn't there with me, I couldn't get him out of my head. Even in the dark room, I could see Chandler's face everywhere. He was sitting next to me, he was watching TV in the living room, he was standing on the balcony. Yet, he wasn't really anywhere. I couldn't live like this anymore! I just couldn't! This wasn't living. 

It was at that point that I made a decision. I got up and opened one of the cabinets gingerly. I had been thinking about it for a while before then. Often I held the small bottle in my palm and stared at it for hours on end. Yet, I could never drum up the courage to do it. However, this time, I could not find the will power to stop myself. I knew that I couldn't live my life without Chandler, so it seemed like the only option. Slowly, I poured the white pills onto the table and fingered them lightly. My heart was racing, my head pounding, and my body shaking, but I had to do it. I opened the refrigerator and took out a bottle of water. That was it; there was no turning back now. I sat down and took the first pill in my hand. I studied it some more. Then I grabbed the water and put the pill at the back of my tongue. I took a deep breath and then a gulp of water. I felt the pill and coldness of the liquid pass through my esophagus and knew it was almost the end. With more confidence, I grabbed pill after pill and swallowed them quickly and unmercifully. I needed to get out! Then, there it was. The darkness of my deed; the sweet, silent slumber. 

****************************

          Monica stopped talking and Dr. Stein studied Monica's shame-filled face. 

"Do you feel guilty for doing it?"

"Yes," Monica chocked out.

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Perhaps you feel that you let down your friends…and maybe Chandler, too?"

Monica didn't answer, just stared into space. She hadn't thought about her attempt at suicide in a long time, and recalling it brought back all of her feelings of shame. 

"Mrs. Bing?" the doctor called, trying to coax Monica out of her daze. However, no matter what she did, Monica refused to meet her gaze or answer her questions. Dr. Stein sighed and allowed Monica to leave. She hoped that Monica wouldn't begin to move backwards after reminiscing. She had big plans for Monica, and was determined to cure her.  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

          After curfew, all of the residents were sleeping in their beds, except for Monica. She tiptoed out of her bed, vaguely aware of her feet moving below her, and sneaked into the dimly lit corridor. She smiled nervously when she saw the person she was looking for. Monica walked slowly up to the orderly who was always staring at her. She approached him and smiled sweetly, feigning confidence and interest.

"Miss, you're not supposed to be out here."

"I know," she answered in a seductive tone, "But I needed to see you."

The orderly cleared his throat nervously. "Really?"

"Oh yeah."

"What can I do for y--?" 

He stopped when he felt Monica stoking his arm slowly and suggestively. 

"This is against the rules!" he whispered harshly. 

However, Monica didn't stop. Instead, she moved towards his chest. 

The man thought for a moment and then decided, "But what are rules when you don't break them?" 

Monica smiled triumphantly and led him to her room. She wasn't exactly sure why she was doing this, but she knew she needed it. She wanted to get over Chandler. She thought that having some meaningless sex would free her from the bonds of her horrible past and present, even if only for a short time. 

          The man kissed Monica hard on the mouth when they entered the room and led her to her bed. She laid down on the bed and he got on top of her. He was about to start kissing her again, but she stopped him.

"Okay, I have a few ground rules." 

"Okay?"

"First of all, you are never, ever to tell anyone of this."

"Got it."

"Second, you are never to ask for this from me ever again."

The man looked down at Monica below him while contemplating this for a moment. "Okay." 

"You'd better, because I'm crazy and who knows what a crazy person can do!" she threatened.

"Okay." 

With that, Monica dropped her head back on her pillow and allowed the man to begin kissing her again. He took of her pajamas and removed his own white orderly outfit. Monica didn't touch him, though. She just laid there and tried to get the images of Chandler that kept appearing, out of her mind. 

          Through the grunting and moaning of the man on top of her, Monica continued to think about Chandler. Having sex with Chandler was much more fulfilling and pleasurable than having it with this man who she didn't even know. Chandler tried to make it both meaningful and enjoyable for her, while this man was just on top of her for a quick lay. It wasn't the same without Chandler's gentle touch and affectionate kisses being planted on her body. Most of all, she missed hearing Chandler whisper his declarations of love and admiration that he felt towards her. Instead, the entire time, she bit her lip and willed the bitter tears not to fall. Sleeping with another man only made her feelings towards Chandler magnify. It served to show her what she had been missing for all this time. 

          After the man climaxed, he rolled off of Monica and gave her another kiss. From the look in her eyes, he could tell that she hadn't enjoyed their shared experience at all. 

"Why'd you let me do it?" he asked Monica gently. 

She looked away. "I thought I could get over my past."

"Did you?"

Monica bit her lip. "No." 

"I'm sorry," he said genuinely as he dressed and handed Monica her own clothes.

"Yeah, you're sorry for me," Monica repeated bitterly, "Aren't we all?" 

_…And there ya go. Please read and review, thanks! Gotta get this up before an unmentioned person kills me. _


	10. Chapter 10

**Sick~Chapter 10**

_Hey, yeah I'm back. I couldn't really write this past week 'cuz I've been focusing all of my attention on my "short" story for Creative Writing class. I finished it, btw. Yay! Now all I need to do is proof and maybe cut it down a bit. Anyways anyshmays, I just realized that there are 2 Jenni's (that I know of) who read this story now (yeah, I'm **that** stupid) so I guess I should specify. Ok, so there's Jenni #1 and Jenni #2 (aka Yenni, hahaha). *waves to Jennis and mocks Jenni #1* I lub u both! (yups, still got that cold, hehehe). Anyways, since I told you girlies that this would be up today, I'll shut up and finish. Ok and I think that this is going to be the 2nd to last chapter! Aww Yen!:( I'm actually sorta excited through 'cause I feel like I've been working on this forever. Ok, *cutting to the chase* please read and review, tankies! _

**Disclaimer: **Yeah I own these characters…j/k I don't…j/k I really do…j/k I really don't. Seriously. (That was so fricken lame!) 

Monica arrived at the office, and waited outside. Again, Dr. Stein was on the phone, and Monica was most certain that the conversation concerned her. She wished that they would tell her what was going on. It was her own life, yet she had no control over it. Monica strained her ears in order to hear through the thin doors. 

"I know that you want to see her," Dr. Stein said into the phone, "I just don't think that she's ready." She paused and listened, "Just give it a little more time, all right?" After another pause she chuckled slightly. "Ok, thank you. I'll call you back in a week. Ok, bye." 

Immediately after Dr. Stein hung up the phone, Monica barged in, completely incensed. She was going to find out what was going on in her life. 

"Who were you on the phone with?"

"Excuse me?"

"Don't play dumb. I know that you were on the phone with someone and it had to do with me!"

The doctor shifted uncomfortably in her chair. "You're right, it did have to do with you." 

"I just want to know what's going on. I mean it's my life."

Dr. Stein nodded in agreement. "Well—I was talking to—"

"Yeah?" 

"I was talking to…your brother," she admitted quietly, ashamed of her lie.

"You were?"

"Yes," she answered hastily.

"What about?"

"Well, he wants to see you again, but I'm not so sure that you're ready yet."

"But you said that you wanted me to see him."

"Well, I mean…" she struggled for words, "I just don't want to rush you into something that you're not ready to do." 

Monica nodded, and looked away pensively. "What if—" she began quietly, "What if I am ready to see Ross and Rachel again?" 

Dr. Stein looked at Monica incredulously. "Really?"

"Why? You don't think I'm ready?"

"No, no. I'm just surprised. I thought it would take you more time."

"Well then, I guess you don't know me as well as you think."

Dr. Stein bit her lip, knowing that she deserved those harsh words and more. "You're sure you're ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be."

"Ok then, I'll set up a meeting." 

Monica nodded and sat back, trying to act casual. Still, her heart was pounding and her palms sweating. What would she say to her friends who abandoned her and ultimately were the cause of her current living situation? However, there seemed to be no other option. Throughout her therapy, she had been told that facing her anxieties and fears were the first step to recovery. Now, she was going to put that theory to the test. 

*~*~*~*

          That next week, Dr. Stein and Monica were sitting in her office, waiting in silence. The doctor pretended to busy herself in some paperwork, but continued to glance up at Monica. She was worried that Monica was moving too quickly, and the last thing she wanted was to push Monica over her limit. 

"Okay Monica," Dr. Stein warned, "You can back out." 

Monica shook her head. "No, I don't want to."

Dr. Stein smiled. "Good. That's what I needed to hear."

Monica offered the doctor a slight smile. She then shifted her attention to the wall in front of her. She was trying to act natural, or even indifferent towards the situation. However, in reality, her entire body was shaking and her ability to breathe was becoming increasingly difficult. Monica began to knead her hands in her lap, as she watched the second hand move around the white clock. In five minutes, it would be 1:00. The exact time that their meeting had been called for. For a moment, Monica wished that time would move backwards, instead of forward.

          It was two minutes after one now; Monica's heart was beating so quickly, that she was sure if she would open her mouth, it would jump out of her. Then, she heard it. The buzz of the intercom and the voice of receptionist filled Monica's ears as she gripped the armrests of her chair. 

"Dr. And Mrs. Geller are here," the receptionist informed them. 

Dr. Stein stole one final glance at Monica, and noticed her cheeks were more pale than normal. Still, Monica made no attempt to stop her, so she took in a shaky breath and answered, "Send them in." 

Monica squirmed in her chair as the two waited for the party to arrive. A minute later, there was a soft knock at the door and Monica's breath became lost in her lungs as the doorknob turned slowly. This was it; there was no turning back now. 

Slowly, the door opened to reveal a huge part of the puzzle, which was her past. Monica locked her eyes on the pair at the door, their looks of apprehension mirroring her own. 

"M—Monica?" her bother stuttered. 

Monica nodded and turned away from them stiffly. 

Dr. Stein rose to greet the couple. "Hello, I'm Dr. Stein."

"Yes, we spoke on the phone," Ross recalled. 

She shook hands with Ross and then reached out to Rachel, who had latched on to Ross' arm. Slowly, she let go and shook the doctor's hand fearfully. 

"Take a seat," she offered them, as they headed to the sofa next to Monica's chair. 

Once they sat down, all eyes focused on Dr. Stein; they were too nervous to look at each other. An awkward silence engulfed the room, sending it into an entire universe of its own. The doctor cleared her throat, bringing Monica back to reality and startling Rachel. 

"Well, I would like to begin by thanking you two for coming out here."

"No, thank you for brining us here," Ross informed her, "We really miss Monica."

Monica raised her eyebrows in amusement, but said nothing. 

Ross turned to Monica, with an anxious look on his face. "Mon, I know that you think we did a terrible thing to you, but we didn't know what else to do. We love you so much."

Monica merely nodded, unable to find her voice to argue with the same sibling who had played the role of her rival for so long. Now, it was as if he was some random man from the street, claiming to care about her. It all seemed too surreal to be reality. 

"Monica," Dr. Stein prodded, "Is there anything you want to say to Ross or Rachel?" 

Monica looked around the room, hesitating to speak her mind in fear of being incarcerated for an even longer period of time. After all, they had been the reason why she was there to begin with. 

"I would like to say," she began hesitantly, but then gained more confidence. "I would like to say that I hate you both." 

Ross sat up, startled, and Rachel tried her hardest to blink back tears. 

"Why?" Ross asked softly.

"Because…because I'm jealous that I'm here and you're not!" 

"What?" 

"I'm jealous, okay? Look, I lost the love of my life and then the two of you found each other! Then, then, then, to top it all off, I get put in here!" Her voice was raised high above the norm, as she poured her heart out, "Why was it me and not you?! You and your perfect lives!" 

Ross was taken back by her words. "You really see us as perfect?" 

"Well, who's the sick one?!"

"Mon, this has been killing me! It hurts so much to know that my little sister, the person that I love so much, is miserable! And I tried, Mon! I really did! Both Rachel and I tried! But you kept pushing us away. And then there was the incident…" 

He trailed off and Monica looked away shamefully when he mentioned the last part. 

"Mon, we're scared. We don't want to lose you. We can't lose you." 

"Right."

Rachel spoke up for the first time. "Ya know what, Monica, this was hard for us, too."

"Oh was it? Was it really?!"

"Yes!! We lost our friend. And maybe it wasn't as bad for us as it was for you, but we've been devastated. We wanted to help you, but you wouldn't let us! And then, you tried to kill yourself and what else were we supposed to do, Mon?! Let you die? Mon, do you know how scared I was?!" 

"What?"

"When I found you."

Monica froze. "You found me?"

Tears began to stream down Rachel's face. "Yeah, I found you."

"Why'd you come back?"

"I was worried about you." 

Monica looked away, ashamed of her behavior that night.

"I came in to your apartment and…and…" she broke off; tears flowing down her cheeks in raging rivers. "It was so scary…there was this eerie silence. Usually, you had on the television or music or something, even if you were asleep. However, when I came in, it was dead silent. I turned on the lights and went into your room. When you weren't in your room or in the bathroom, I looked on the balcony and still I didn't see you. Then, I headed back towards the door and there you were…lying lifeless on the floor. After a wave of nausea passed over me, I quickly dialed 9-1-1 and I called Ross. I didn't know what to do. Once the paramedics hurried into the apartment and lifted you away on the stretcher, Ross and I were questioned thoroughly. And then, it hit me, Mon. No matter what we did, we couldn't help you. All I ever waned to do was help you!" Rachel broke off again, unable to control the sobs that escaped her.

"But Mon," Ross continued, "We knew that you needed help. I mean I would stare at you when you were in the hospital. You were unconscious and hooked up to all these tubes. You looked so helpless and fearful and I didn't know what else to do. The doctors there insisted that I looked into sending you to get help, and so I did it. I know that you hate it and you hate me for it. I understand though. It's just…this wasn't the same Monica that I once knew. What about the Monica that always had to win? The one that was strong and confident? The woman which was the glue that held the rest of us together?"

Tears began to trickle down her eyes at Ross' words. "I'm not that person, Ross. I never was."

"But—"

"No, it was all an illusion. I wanted to be that person, and I pretended so well that I tricked you all."

Dr. Stein finally intervened. "It's not that you aren't strong, because you are incredibly strong. Sure, you have had momentary lapses, but that's natural. In fact, you have handled this much better than most people who go through this do." 

Monica shrugged seemly callous, but actually reveling in the doctor's encouraging words. She wanted to believe them so badly. 

"And Mr. Geller," she began.

He cut her off, "Ross."

The doctor nodded. "Okay, Ross. But, sometimes, even the glue needs pressure in order to stick." 

Wordlessly, he nodded and turned away. "I guess the fact that we always saw you in that light made it all the more hard on us." 

Monica swallowed hard and nodded. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"For disappointing everyone." With that, Monica broke into a fit of uncontrollable sobs. Cautiously, Ross made his way over to his sister and held her in his arms. 

"You didn't disappoint anyone, Mon. I swear you didn't." 

Her sobs grew louder with his words, and Ross began to rub her back soothingly as he held her weeping form. After a few minutes of crying, Monica lifted her head and sniffed. 

"I just miss him so much."

"We know, Mon. We miss him, too."

"It's so hard." 

"I'm sorry, Mon."  

Rachel, who had been staring at the same crack in the wall ever since she stopped crying, suddenly turned towards the group with an urgent look on her face. She looked at Monica; the hurt in her eyes so apparent that it caused physical pain to Rachel. Unable to control herself, she admitted exactly what she was told to avoid.

"Chandler's still alive." 

_Ooooooooooooh. You smartie pants people, you. You guys knew that he was alive! I'm so impressed! (especially 'cause I dropped a billion clues). See I'm not **that** mean. I may torture Mon for a bit, but it can't not have Chandler by the end! I loves me Chandler! *licks lips* Hehehe ;-) Yen, wanna fight me for him? Ok, please leave me a review! Pretty please with a Matty on top? (see u can get him if u review…*cough* if anyone's getting him, it's me… *cough* naw :-( ). _


	11. Chapter 11

Sick~Chapter 11

_Ok, I have a confession to make. This past week, I was so close to deleting this story off of ff.net. I hated this story and was so angry with myself for ever writing it! I don't know why I'm admitting this, but I feel that you all should know. A very slight part of this story has just become a reality for me, and it is incredibly hard to deal with. However, I'm glad I decided not to delete this story. In fact, this last chapter has been a bit therapeutic for me. It has definitely helped me accept what happened, and maybe forgive a bit, too. I'm sure this makes no sense to most of you, but I just had to say it. On a lighter note, this is the **last chapter** of this story…finally! It's kinda sappy, so you've been warned. Ok, please read and review, **one final time**! Thanks!_

**Disclaimer:** I own stuff…just not these characters…

"Chandler's still alive," Rachel revealed, but then hastily covered her mouth. 

Ross and Dr. Stein turned towards Rachel, wide eyed. 

"Rach," Ross whispered harshly. 

Rachel shrugged and looked at Ross guiltily. "I had to tell her!" 

"Mrs. Bing?" Dr. Stein tried quietly, "Monica?" 

However, Monica didn't answer. She stared at the wall in front of her, in shock. Her brain began to comprehend Rachel's words slowly. "He's alive?" she wondered over and over again in her head. She must be dreaming. Finally, after a few minutes of staring wordlessly, Monica moved her mouth to speak. 

She looked over at her brother with pleading eyes. "He…he's alive?" 

 "Mon," Ross answered, "Let's just—"

"Is he?!" Monica demanded.

Ross glanced at Dr. Stein who nodded for him to answer. "Yes."

"You mean he's not dead?"

"No, he's not. We thought he was, but he's not." 

"So, I could—I could see him again?" 

"Technically yes," the doctor answered, "But maybe—"

"I want to see him." 

"Of course you do, but there's so much we still need to work on." 

"I need to see him." 

"Maybe in a few months we cou—" 

"This is what I need!" Monica wrung her hands together, "Please!" 

Dr. Stein raised her glasses and rubbed her nose nervously. "I shouldn't be doing this…" 

Monica stared at the doctor incredulously. "I get to see him?"

"Yes." 

Monica took a deep breath, and allowed the realization to sink in. If this wasn't reality, then she sure loved the dream. 

"Thank you," Monica breathed. 

"First, we need to explain some things to you," Ross informed her.

"Yeah?"

"Well Chandler…what happened to him." 

"Okay?" 

"He was…umm…abducted by some criminals. They made him do a lot of their dirty work. Ya know, burying bodies, driving their cars from crime scenes, that kind of stuff." 

Tears formed in Monica's eyes. "Is Chandler okay?" 

"He…he…he's a bit shaken."

Monica nodded.

"He also looks a little different. I just wanted to warn you before you saw him." 

"How so?"

"Well, he's pale, and very, very thin. He also has a lot of scars and remnants of bruises all over his body. Other than that, he looks like…well…" Ross smiled, "Like Chandler."  

Monica bit her lip to keep the tears from falling. The entire conversation felt like a dream to her. She had dreamt of something like this happening ever since Chandler left her.

"You're very lucky, Monica," Dr. Stein stated, "This is quite the abnormal situation." 

Monica smiled genuinely for the first time since her friend Julia had been transferred. "I know." 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

          A few nights later, Monica tossed and turned in her uncomfortable cot. It was really going to happen—the next morning she was going to see Chandler again. Monica began pinching herself repeatedly, in order to make sure that she was, in deed, awake. During the days after Monica found out about Chandler, she did not allow herself to think of it. Fear that life was playing yet another cruel joke on her kept Monica from completely believing. Instead, she went about her days as easily as possible. However, now that it was only a few hours away, Monica found herself feeling incredibly nervous. What if Chandler didn't want to be with her anymore, after he found out what happened to her? She knew that Chandler wasn't that shallow, but still, she couldn't help but wonder. 

          Finally, she began to drift off. Suddenly, she was jolted out of her light slumber by a familiar voice. She strained her ears to figure out how she knew it. After a moment, she figured out who it was. Monica paled and her throat went dry. It was the orderly that she had slept with; but Chandler was alive! She had cheated on him! How could she have done that? After that, he surely wouldn't want her anymore. Silently, Monica turned to cry in her pillow, her tears at last putting her to sleep. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

          The morning came all too quickly for Monica. Instead of anticipating her meeting with Chandler, she began to dread it. The guilt washed over her like a tidal wave as she waited for Chandler to arrive. She waited because, even if Chandler would break up with her, she needed to see him one last time. Monica took a shaky breath as Dr. Stein entered her office and offered Monica a smile. 

"How are you feeling?"

"Nervous." 

The doctor nodded. "That's completely understandable. In fact, if I were you, I'd probably be biting my nails off."

Monica smiled slightly and then turned her attention to the door, knowing that the next time it opened, her life would change, yet again. 

          After what felt like an eternity, there was a knock on the door. Dr. Stein rose to open it, allowing Ross and Rachel to come in. 

"Is he…?" Monica wondered.

"He's here," Ross answered. 

Rachel went over to Monica and held her hand. Monica gave her an appreciative look when she did so. Somehow, Rachel's touch gave her more confidence than she had before. It made her remember that Rachel had forgiven her for what she did. And if Rachel could accept her, then surely Chandler could. 

Dr. Stein turned to Monica somberly. "Now, you can back out. No one would be angry. You can always see him another time."

Monica shook her head firmly. "I want to see him now."

"You're sure?"

Monica felt Rachel squeeze her shaky hand and she smiled. "Yeah, I'm sure."

Dr. Stein nodded to Ross, and he went to get Chandler. 

"You okay, sweetie?" Rachel asked Monica. 

"Yeah, just nervous." 

"Don't be. Chandler has missed you _so _much. He would call here everyday to get a report on you."

Monica was touched. "Really?"

"Yes. And when he found at that we saw you, he asked us a billion questions."

Monica smiled, and felt slightly less nervous. "Thanks."

Rachel smiled back at her and squeezed her hand again. Then, the doorknob turned, and Monica was sure that her heart stopped beating. Ross walked into the office, and then a second after him, Chandler entered timidly. Immediately after, their eyes locked. Chandler was at the door, while Monica was sitting on the couch, but neither moved. Both were afraid that when they moved, they would lose each other again. After a few minutes, Monica noticed Chandler lick his lips nervously. Slowly, she rose from her spot, never breaking their intense gaze. He took a few steps towards her, and she did the same towards him. Finally, they met in the middle, eyes still locked. 

          There were no thoughts in Monica's head. She had no control over her movements as she reached her hand up nervously to brush his cheek softly, feeling his stubble and scars. Chandler reached his hand out and ran his fingers through her hair. As Monica moved her fingers lightly across his face, she realized that it truly was not a dream. 

"Chandler?" she whispered hoarsely. 

He nodded and filled the slight gap that was in between them, allowing their bodies to touch. 

"Chandler!" she yelled as she threw her arms around his neck.

He wrapped his arms around her and whispered, "Monica." 

They both pulled back and locked eyes, once again. Then slowly, they leaned in and kissed. At first, it was a light peck, almost as if one between good friends. Chandler leaned in again, and Monica deepened the kiss. Soon, they were kissing with all of the pent up passion and yearning that they had held in their hearts for so long. She savored the feel of his lips against hers. She couldn't believe that she had survived so long without him. Tears streamed down Monica's face, but she didn't care. She was living the reality that had been her dream for so long. That was all that mattered to her. 

          Breathlessly, Chandler broke the kiss and smiled at Monica. 

"You're so beautiful."

She blushed and smiled back. "I can't believe you're here."

"I can't believe I'm here either. I've missed you _so_—" 

"I know. Me too." 

"Everyday I dreamed of seeing you again, of hearing your voice again, of looking into those eyes…"

Monica felt herself shiver at his heart-felt words. 

"Well, I think you can figure out what losing you has done to me," Monica replied by gesturing to their surroundings.

"Oh Mon," he hugged her tightly, "I'm so sorry! If I could've done something, I would've!"

"It wasn't your fault, Chandler."

"I know, but I should've…I mean they just grabbed me and they had guns and—" 

"You don't have to explain yourself, Chandler. I'm _so _sorry that _you _had to go through what _you _went through." 

Chandler smiled. "I love you _so _much." 

Monica's face fell and heart sped up when she heard those words.

Chandler looked at her nervously. "What? You…you don't lo—"

"No! It's not that! God, no Chandler! I love you so much it hurts!"

"Well then, what's wrong?"

"When I tell you, I don't think that you'll love me anymore."

"Nothing you say can make me stop loving you."

Monica shrugged. She then glanced at the others in the room, finally remembering that they were all there, too. 

"Could we have some time…alone?" 

Rachel and Ross stood up and left. However, Dr. Stein looked at Monica sadly and shook her head. "I can't leave you." 

Monica blushed in humiliation, remembering exactly where she was and how little power she had over her own life. Monica nodded and turned back towards Chandler. She took his hand and looked into his eyes. 

"I…I…uhh…well…I." 

Monica knew that she had to say it, but somehow she couldn't get the words out. 

"What is it?" Chandler asked anxiously.

"It's just…I…slept with another man." 

She looked away right after she said that, afraid to see the look of betrayal on Chandler's face. However, she felt Chandler squeeze her hand.

"Mon, look at me."

She looked up and was surprised to see nothing but love in his eyes.

"It's okay," Chandler stated softly, "You thought I was dead." 

"No, but a part of me always knew that you weren't dead." 

"Really?" 

"Yeah. I mean I never really believed that you were dead, and that's what hurt me so much."

Chandler looked at Monica, baffled. "It hurt you that I wasn't dead?"

"No," she chuckled slightly, "It just hurt that I knew you were alive, yet I couldn't be with you. And now—" 

Chandler cut her off. "Well, I'm not going to let something like _that_ get in the way of us. I can't lose you again, Monica."

"I can't lose you, either!" she cried as she hugged him tightly. 

He cradled her in his arms and kissed the time of her head. Suddenly, she looked up at him. There was one last reason that he may not forgive her, and she had to tell him. If he was going to walk out on her, she wanted him to do it now, before she became even more attached to him again. 

"I did it because I was trying to get over you." 

Chandler met her glance. "Did you?"

"No. It only made me realize how much more I needed you." 

"Well, that's all we need." 

Monica smiled. "I love you so much." 

Chandler smiled broadly. "I've missed hearing you say those words."

"I've missed saying them. And I've missed hearing you say them, too."

"So…are we still engaged?" 

Monica looked down at her bare finger and shrugged. "Well, the ring was taken from me 'cause, ya know, it could be used as a weapon." 

Chandler nodded. "Even without the ring, are you still my fiancée?" 

"I'd love it if I could be. Do you want that?"

"More than anything in the world." 

"Good. Just…we can't…uhh…get married right aw—"

"I don't care. As long as we're together again." 

"Me too."

Chandler leaned in and kissed her again. Monica held on to Chandler with all of her might; she never wanted anyone to take Chandler away from her again. She felt Chandler tighten his grip on her as well, and broke the kiss. 

"Are you afraid that this isn't real?"

 "Terrified." 

"Good. Then I'm not alone."

He hugged Monica. "You'll never be alone when I'm with you." 

Monica grinned at Chandler's words. She moved to look up at him, but her glance fell on Dr. Stein, sitting behind her desk, instead.  

The doctor noticed Monica looking at her and rose from her chair. She smiled, and whispered, "This will just be between us," as she slipped out the door.   

Monica felt another rush of happiness when Dr. Stein did that. It gave her the feeling that, even just for a little while, she had gained back control over her life. For once, someone wasn't watching over her like a hawk over its prey. She felt liberated. Beaming, Monica looked up at her fiancé, who was, in turn, smiling down at her. 

"You are so strong. I don't know how you've been so strong throughout this." 

Monica looked at Chandler incredulously. "Strong? You're the strong one! Look where I am!" 

"Mon, it doesn't matter where you are to me. I think that you're strong for getting through this. I mean I know how much you cherish your freedom. Everyday, after I found out that you were here, I hoped with all of my heart that it wasn't killing your spirit."

"What?"

"Mon, I think that…you're so strong for just being here. They've taken away all that you desire in life, yet you're not broken." 

Monica merely stared at Chandler, his kind words touching her more deeply than anything else ever had. 

"I thought I was so weak for letting it all take over my life," Monica admitted shyly.

"Well, you're only human, Mon."

"I admire you, Chandler." 

"What? Why?"

"You went through so much and yet, you still have the ability to make me feel so much better than anyone else can." 

He hugged her and buried his head in her neck. "I'm glad you feel that way." 

Monica rested her nose on Chandler's hair and took in the scent of his shampoo and hair gel. She sighed with contentment as Chandler began kissing her neck softly. She realized that, even though it would be rough, she could get through anything now that Chandler was back. He was her rock and she was his. Together, they would be able to escape their cruel past and create a beautiful, new future. 

Ok, that's a wrap! I hope that you all enjoyed this story and it wasn't just crap. I tried my hardest to find a credible way to bring back Chandler, but man was it hard. So sorry if it doesn't seem real, but I mean in reality, I doubt a situation like this would have a happy ending. I just couldn't torture Monica and Chandler like that! Plus, I couldn't torture all you people who wanted a happy ending, either.:) So, sorry if u wanted a sad ending, but don't read my fics, ever, if u want a sad ending. Anyways anyshmays, I really hope this chapter wasn't just crap and thanks for sticking by me through this! *hugs readers* Ok, please, please leave me one last review! *kisses reviews* (Hehe I know that some of u are gonna enjoy that ;). Not naming any names *wink* It's gonna cost u if u want some more…hehe…) 


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